An unpredictable, wild ride, baby.

Hello all my lovely humans. I am so glad to be back this week. Of course, I missed last weeks post due to the holiday. And by holiday I mean the day where we recognize, discuss, and find ways to take action for the injustices done to Native folks on their stolen land while we eat a strange amount of turkey (or in my case tofurkey) and potatoes. I assume you all did the same and if for some reason you were struggling to think of ways to take action I might recommend starting with shopping from Native shops this holiday season. [I’ll tag a few here: Ink Stitcher Studios, ArXotica, Sister Sky, Indigenous Cosmetics, and Beyond Bucksin. (**If you have any others please feel free to comment on this post with a link.)]

As for this week we are on to the next holiday and it just happens to be my favorite one of all: Sarah’s 30th Birthday. I know you all thought I was about to say Christmas. I laugh in the face of Christmas. *hahahaha* My Birthday TM is obviously much more important. In all seriousness though, on Friday December 4th, I will be another year AND another decade older. One of the reasons I love my bday so much is because it gives me a chance to reflect on the year behind and the year ahead. Shocking, I love to reflect. It’s not like my entire blog is based around this idea or anything.

So, let’s start with the year behind. On December 4th, 2019 I was on a date. It was actually a very sweet date that ended quite nicely. He ghosted me two weeks later. As the great Fall Out Boy once played on repeat in my little teen ear “thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great.” That seemed to be a theme for the beginning of my 29th year. Date, they ghost, date, I ghost, date, I break up, date, they break up. And so on and so forth. Also, a big theme of my 29th year was the GLOBAL PANDEMIC. I.e. crisis, depression, anxiety, unhealthy coping skills, all the good stuff. I did also move which was exciting. Still in Brooklyn, but a spot that is much more me and much more affordable. I get along well with my roommates and the loneliness that was brought on by the pandemic simply disappeared. My supervisor/friend/advocate passed away in July after my move. I think about you every day, Vilma. We all experienced a lot of loss this year; painful, heartbreaking loss. It’s made me hold my loved ones closer. Speaking of loved ones, in August my original theme of dating was flipped on its head when I met my current partner. The real shocker of my 29th year- he didn’t ghost me! There’s still a chance, it’s only been like 4 months and even though he is currently quarantining with me he could leave at any moment. Men ain’t sh*t, amiright? Just kidding, he’s great. I also started anti-depressants… that’s the true win of my 29th year. My mood has been the most stable it has ever been AND I think about dying wayyyy less. Woah, truly an incredible year I had. Oh, and I got a soda stream. That was cool.

All of this is to say that while 2020 objectively was a real sh*tshow, I had a lot of really wildly unexpected good things happen to me this past year. I don’t think I ever could’ve predicted that the year we go into lockdown is the year I would get it together. Kinda cool. Which then begs the question where do I go from here? In a recent conversation someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years… I hate this question with a burning, fiery passion. At 25 if you asked me where I saw myself in 5 years I can tell you I did not see myself wearing a mask to work everyday, or only riding my bike to get there, or having to primarily communicate with my friends and family via FaceTime. I don’t know where I will be in 5 years, that’s the beauty of living. It is an unpredictable, wild ride baby and I am here for it.

Honestly, I sort of blanked when the question was first tossed out. Then, with a deep breath I said “probably still doing this”. “What is this?” you may be asking. Well, it’s me loving harder than I have ever loved before- both myself and others; it is doing work that makes me feel good; it is knowing that I am worthy, with or without work; it is breathing and moving and thinking and writing and learning. In five years I will, with all the luck in the world, be alive.

I can’t just end the post there though. See, I also like to dream about things, things that may or may not happen for me; like being a billionaire and having kids and owning my own business and writing a book. While some of these things may seem outlandish, some of these things are totally obtainable. By some of these things, I particularly mean one of these things, which is why I am so excited for the next chapter in my life, pun intended. I am finally going to start writing a book. This is a dream that I sat on in my 20’s and with the new decade approaching, I am ready to dive in. I came to this conclusion, when over the weekend my best friend gifted me a present for my 30th birthday (image below). She had compiled all of my blog poems into a hard cover book. I can’t even explain the feeling I got when I saw it. It reminded me of this dream and woke me up to how much I really want to accomplish this goal. And not to sound like an overbearing mother towards myself, but “it ain’t gonna write itself, honey.”

Of course writing a book will definitely cut into my blog time, so my plan is to write a post *hopefully* once a month. I still want to explore the ups and downs of life with you all, so don’t you worry about that. As for the book… I don’t know where it will go, but I do know I am going to have fun doing it. Perhaps, in another 10 years, I’ll still be trying to write it or maybe I’ll be onto my second or third. What was that thing I said about wild and unpredictable? Oh right, that’s life baby.

So, with that all being said, I’m going to work hard and type to you in January, cuties. I hope your holidays and New Year are, if nothing else, another day you get to be alive.

A[wo]men

each decade

return to yourself

as the waves

return to the sea

-turning 30

From WI to AK, With Love

Hello! I would like to start off by congratulating all of you for making it to 2018 because I know some of you had your doubts that 2017 would ever end. Look at us thriving here in the new year. Pat yourself on the back today, if for nothing else, but making it through another year. You go Glenn Coco.

This week I would like to address something that I have been asked about a lot and I think I am ready to process it all: What is the move to Craig, Alaska really like? And I must say when moving here, there was not a whole lot of information on the subject, so maybe this will help someone out in the future.

First of all, I want to say that my move is unique to my own situation and I have heard some horror stories about moving here and I have heard of some really lovely alternative ways to get here, so please keep this in mind. Moving here for me was probably a bit simpler because A: I am as single as a single person can be. Meaning, I have no pets, no children, no plants. The only thing I had to keep alive was me. That makes moving a whole heck of a lot easier. B: I was moving out of my parents house, where virtually nothing belonged to me. Therefore, I didn’t have to travel with furniture. These two things are crucial to my story.

Now, with all that being said… I also want to point out that I am a planner. I am impulsive, yes, but an impulsive planner. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I swear it makes sense to me and to everyone that knows me. When it came to my move to Alaska, I had hotels booked, my route mapped out, and my schedule on point. Now, the thing about being an impulsive planner is that the plan often goes to shit, because I am typically planning like 4 hours before I have to leave. Oddly enough, it worked this time.

If I had to recommend one thing to people moving here, it is that the less you own the better. Especially if you are moving from a place where you have to drive more than 3 hours to the ferry. PURGE EARLY AND PURGE OFTEN. Of course, this is just my motto for any move, but most important for a move where you have to take multiple modes of transportation. Moving to an island is a whole new ball game, my friends. Let me just lay this out for you.

As most moves go, there is a lot to do before you even leave. For instance, finding a place to live. Now, typically this is a bit easier with sites like apartmentfinder.com, but that does not exist on the island of Prince of Wales. Apartment finding is done by WOM aka word of mouth aka my high school advertising professor’s favorite word. WOM is really hard when you don’t live in the place to even speak to anyone. Luckily the place that hired me was all over it. They sent me some options and low and behold I am in one of my favorite apartments I have ever rented. Now, this sounds like it was a nice simple choice for me, but if you ask my family and friends I struggled for a way too long before I chose this place. See, the other thing about Prince of Wales is that because it is a tourist area there are actually a lot of places that are furnished. The idea of furnished apartment scared the shit out of me. I don’t know why, but it really did. Like what if I hate the furniture? Except, it was the greatest decision I had ever made. How the hell I thought I was going to get furniture to this island is beyond me. That was definitely my pre-move struggle. Now, I highly recommend furnished apartments to everyone. It makes moving so, so much easier. Once that was settled, I was on my way to a new life.

I started my journey with a 16 hour drive from Grafton, WI to Miles City, MO. At 2am I woke up wide-eyed and bushy-tailed for my journey to my new home. The car was pre-loaded the evening prior thanks to my fam. Of course, copious amounts of coffee and Swedish fish were in tow as well. Which reminds me, if you are moving to an island in Alaska, I beg of you to actually just forget everything you own and stack your car with dry goods and toiletries. A BOX OF CEREAL IS $7. This is important, v. important. I, however, felt stupid sentimental ties to things like my clothes and pictures of my loved ones, like a goddamn idiot. I was a fool. Obvi, I am slightly joking, but really I wish I would have brought like 10x’s the amount of dangerously cheap things from Wisconsin. Mistakes were made, and now I am literally paying for it. I digress, my drive to Montana was oddly okay. I hit one traffic jam in Minnesota and then it was smooth sailing from there. So, to recap day one was Wisco, to Minnesota, to North Dakota, to Montana. I am getting tired just writing it. My other piece of advice is to bring a buddy. I traveled alone and when I saw cool things, I only had my Swedish fish to tell. They appreciated it though, I could tell from their smiles. As day 1 came to a close, I feasted on McDonalds, as one traveling does, and then went swimming. Another important piece of advice! Always pick a hotel with a pool. I felt like a new woman after that swim.

I planned my trip with the notion that each day I would lose more and more energy, so I made day 1 the longest trip with day 2 shortening to a 10 hour drive and day 3 to a 6 hour drive. Bless my smart little heart because that was the best darn planning I have ever done. Day 2 and 3 now feel like a blur. There was Montana to Idaho to Washington. I remember driving through some mountains and seeing some bison. I also remember more swimming, but that is about it. My head was just racing because I knew the next leg of the trip involved a ferry. And not just any old ferry, but a three day ferry from Bellingham, WA to Ketchikan, AK. Yes, you read that correctly. This three day ferry didn’t even bring me to my final destination. To my surprise though, the ferry was SO cool though. I just drove my car onto the boat and didn’t really have to worry about much else for three days. I will say that there is zero reception on this ferry, so pre-downloading episodes on Netflix will save a life. Pass it on.

After arriving to Ketchikan, I then had to take another ferry! Luckily, this one was only three hours. Unfortunately, I arrived at 7am and my next ferry didn’t leave until 2pm. So, I did what any sane person would do… I shopped at Wal-Mart for several hours and bought shit I definitely didn’t need out of pure boredom and exhaustion. Then I finally got onto my next ferry, which seemed surprisingly fast and made it the island! Now, at this point it is pitch black on an island I am not familiar with and it is raining. I thought my guts were going to fall out of my butt. That was when it truly hit me… I moved to fucking Alaska. That’s right, my move did not hit me until I was actually off the ferry. Everything before that felt like some odd vacation I was taking alone.

Now that I have been here for a whole month, that whole journey seems like a distant dream. Adjusting to life in Craig has been fairly easy. Don’t get me wrong, I have cried and questioned my impulsive decision at times, but not nearly as much as I anticipated. Maybe it is the island pace or the kind souls I work with or the fact that the view out of my window looks like a landscape artist drew it? Whatever the reason, I am grateful for it.

Onto the real dirt though because I know y’all just want to know about what I hate about being here. I hate the time difference because calling people is a scheduling nightmare. My east coast friends are a 4 hour difference and with my work schedule it doesn’t leave much room to chat. The vegetarian imitation meats are sub-par, but I was spoiled in NYC. I could order vegetarian chicken from pretty much anywhere and expect it to be good. It rains a lot here, which some people might hate, but I actually quite enjoy. There are also like a very limited amount of restaurants, and by that I mean like two pizza places and a diner. For that, however, I am grateful. I’m pretty sure half of my student loans went to GrubHub in NYC. I also am still terrified of the potential to run into bears regardless of what everyone keeps telling me. Finally, I hate living alone. I know I am freak, but I like having a roommate. I like someone to be all up in my business.

So, there you have it! My journey to and my life in Craig. Of course, it has only been a month and I am sure many more discoveries about the island are to come. I’ve barely begun to explore this beautiful place I currently call home. If you would like to follow this journey further find me on insta: sarahlorrainerobinson Now that I think about it, it’s like a picture book version of my blog. Excellent.

Sitting with it all

It’s another week, another eve, another day, another dollar. Wait, what? Sorry, sometimes I get on a roll and things just come out. You know, as we come to the end of 2017 I hear a lot of people cursing this shitty year, and I get it. People, do I get it.  However, with all the cursing going on, I have to say “pardon your language, my friends.” 2017 sucked, sure, but it also rocked.

I often tell my clients that the human mind is a peculiar thing. We can hold many feelings at the same time and we often believe we have to choose one over the other because that seems logical; however, we can sit with them all at the same time and in fact, we often do. I recognize this when I think about 2017.  Like how we have a scary president, but I have also seen more activism out of my (self-proclaimed) ‘non-political’ friends. Or how my dream died, and then I just created another.  When I think of 2017, I feel anger, joy, disgust, sadness, and fear. (Yes, I did just name the characters from Inside Out.) And I am sitting with all of those right now as I await 2018. (Which it already is in some places and that blows my mind.)

That reminds me! 2018 is just a number on a calendar. Tomorrow (or right now depending on where you are) the world won’t drastically change. We won’t wake up with racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, and every other ism magically wiped out. Our president will still be our president. I won’t be an internet sensation… yet. And I’ll probably still be watching Harry Potter. That is okay. If no one has told you that, I need you to repeat it with me “It is okay.” Melissa, I can’t hear you, SAY IT LOUDER “IT IS OKAY.” I felt like a drill sergeant there for a minute. Madame, yes madame.  Really though, it is okay. Change is slow and we live in a world where slow means we flip the people off who are slowing us down. We want the magic pill, the high speed internet. Ya can’t though. Sorry, not sorry. That’s actually not how we are meant to live. I’ve seen a lot of people re-sharing that image of the new years resolutions for 2017 and they just do a little of this… 2017 2018. I love that! I know people think it is just a funny meme, but I think it is realistic. Even if you don’t do one thing on your list, you made the list. That means you thought about yourself for even a second and that is important to recognize. If for the the next five years you have the same list, it doesn’t matter. Hell, I had the same list for about 10 years.

This past year though, I finally crushed it! I wanted to run three miles. Check. I wanted to get my masters degree. Check. I wanted to join the Peace Corps and even though I didn’t officially go, I still got in and I count that. Check. I wanted to travel. In 2017, I went to Canada, Florida, the Bahamas, Washington, North Dakota, Minnesota, Washington and a ton more I am forgetting to mention. Check. I moved out, got a job in my field, and can pay my own bills. Check. I realize that a lot of these I got with privilege and a credit card. I also realized that the list doesn’t matter. I could have put the most ridiculous things on that list and weather I accomplished them or not life would go on. The point of the list isn’t to write a cute check mark next to my goals. The point of the list is to remember that there are always things to work towards. That is why I do it every year. *Side note: I really like to point out that I hate the saying “new year, new me” because fuuuckkkk that. I’m still me. I am not going anywhere. The quicker I realized that, the easier my life became. Life is both long and short (try sitting with that) and the only person with you through it all, my dudettes & dudes & non-binary friends, is you.

With that being said, here is my 2018 resolutions list:

• Stop saying sorry so much… unless it is followed by not sorry.
• Jump out of a plane
• Run a marathon
• Climb a mountain
• Go to a new country I’ve never been to
• Read more
• Reach out to people I’ve lost touch with
• Make more friends
• Become internet famous
• But also disconnect more
• Fall in love
• Study for the LSAT
• Have money in my savings account
• Pay off my credit card
• Become an expert at something
• Slow down

Alright that’s enough resolutions for me. I guarantee a lot of these will end up on my 2019 list and I’m cool with that. Like I said, it is okay.  Be more gentle with myself. Check.

P.S.(A.) I hope you all ring in the New Year with much excitement and please for the love of Yeezy, be safe. Don’t drink and drive. I want you all to get a chance to make your lists.