Sitting with it all

It’s another week, another eve, another day, another dollar. Wait, what? Sorry, sometimes I get on a roll and things just come out. You know, as we come to the end of 2017 I hear a lot of people cursing this shitty year, and I get it. People, do I get it.  However, with all the cursing going on, I have to say “pardon your language, my friends.” 2017 sucked, sure, but it also rocked.

I often tell my clients that the human mind is a peculiar thing. We can hold many feelings at the same time and we often believe we have to choose one over the other because that seems logical; however, we can sit with them all at the same time and in fact, we often do. I recognize this when I think about 2017.  Like how we have a scary president, but I have also seen more activism out of my (self-proclaimed) ‘non-political’ friends. Or how my dream died, and then I just created another.  When I think of 2017, I feel anger, joy, disgust, sadness, and fear. (Yes, I did just name the characters from Inside Out.) And I am sitting with all of those right now as I await 2018. (Which it already is in some places and that blows my mind.)

That reminds me! 2018 is just a number on a calendar. Tomorrow (or right now depending on where you are) the world won’t drastically change. We won’t wake up with racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, and every other ism magically wiped out. Our president will still be our president. I won’t be an internet sensation… yet. And I’ll probably still be watching Harry Potter. That is okay. If no one has told you that, I need you to repeat it with me “It is okay.” Melissa, I can’t hear you, SAY IT LOUDER “IT IS OKAY.” I felt like a drill sergeant there for a minute. Madame, yes madame.  Really though, it is okay. Change is slow and we live in a world where slow means we flip the people off who are slowing us down. We want the magic pill, the high speed internet. Ya can’t though. Sorry, not sorry. That’s actually not how we are meant to live. I’ve seen a lot of people re-sharing that image of the new years resolutions for 2017 and they just do a little of this… 2017 2018. I love that! I know people think it is just a funny meme, but I think it is realistic. Even if you don’t do one thing on your list, you made the list. That means you thought about yourself for even a second and that is important to recognize. If for the the next five years you have the same list, it doesn’t matter. Hell, I had the same list for about 10 years.

This past year though, I finally crushed it! I wanted to run three miles. Check. I wanted to get my masters degree. Check. I wanted to join the Peace Corps and even though I didn’t officially go, I still got in and I count that. Check. I wanted to travel. In 2017, I went to Canada, Florida, the Bahamas, Washington, North Dakota, Minnesota, Washington and a ton more I am forgetting to mention. Check. I moved out, got a job in my field, and can pay my own bills. Check. I realize that a lot of these I got with privilege and a credit card. I also realized that the list doesn’t matter. I could have put the most ridiculous things on that list and weather I accomplished them or not life would go on. The point of the list isn’t to write a cute check mark next to my goals. The point of the list is to remember that there are always things to work towards. That is why I do it every year. *Side note: I really like to point out that I hate the saying “new year, new me” because fuuuckkkk that. I’m still me. I am not going anywhere. The quicker I realized that, the easier my life became. Life is both long and short (try sitting with that) and the only person with you through it all, my dudettes & dudes & non-binary friends, is you.

With that being said, here is my 2018 resolutions list:

  • Stop saying sorry so much… unless it is followed by not sorry.
  • Jump out of a plane
  • Run a marathon
  • Climb a mountain
  • Go to a new country I’ve never been to
  • Read more
  • Reach out to people I’ve lost touch with
  • Make more friends
  • Become internet famous
  • But also disconnect more
  • Fall in love
  • Study for the LSAT
  • Have money in my savings account
  • Pay off my credit card
  • Become an expert at something
  • Slow down

Alright that’s enough resolutions for me. I guarantee a lot of these will end up on my 2019 list and I’m cool with that. Like I said, it is okay.  Be more gentle with myself. Check.

P.S.(A.) I hope you all ring in the New Year with much excitement and please for the love of Yeezy, be safe. Don’t drink and drive. I want you all to get a chance to make your lists.

Never alone in love

Merry Christmas Eve to those that celebrate & Happy Holidays to all!

It is a strange thing to be here all alone, no pants on, sipping coffee, with the uber creepy version of Disney’s A Christmas Carol playing in the background. In fact, I tried to be more festive and bring in a Christmas tree that the previous tenant left on the porch… Well, that ended with me screaming bloody murder because a spider tried to destroy my life and now I have to burn my new apartment down. V unfortunate.

This little glimpse into my spider phobia is all to show you that the hardest adjustment I have had since my move to Alaska is living alone. That’s right… It’s not the small island, or the new job, or not being near friends or family, but actually, physically, living alone. I’ve never done it before and never wanted to. I know, y’all are calling me a freak right now. I’ve heard it all before. “Living alone is great, Sarah! Embrace your independence!” Sure not wearing pants is great and only worrying about my own dishes is fantastic, but like when I wake up who do I tell about the crazy dream I had? Who is going to partake in some wine drinking with me after a hard day at work? (because drinking alone is just sad.)  Who do I complain about on the phone to my family? An age old tradition for even the roomies you love the most because no matter how smelly their farts are, you love them all the same. Who will laugh at dumb commercials, awful amazing rom-coms, and tripping over absolutely nothing? WHO WILL GET RID OF THE SPIDERS?

And it is especially apparent during the holidays that I live alone. No awkward gift exchanges with anybody! I relish in giving gifts to my roommates, never really knowing if I got them something they liked. That process ends up taking up like two weeks of my brain space. Now, I just have two weeks to think about… other things? BIZARRE. It helps that the people here are beyond friendly and I’ve been invited to like several holiday dinners. I feel grateful in that sense.

Who am I kidding? I feel grateful in a lot of senses. And while I could spend this whole post telling you about the woes of living alone, and trust me it would be oh-so thrilling, I won’t do that to y’all. Instead, what I am going to do is make a list, because what is more appropriate than a list for Christmas? Except instead of a naughty or nice list, or a list for Santa, i’m going to dive into the past; a list of some of the Christmas gifts I have received that make me feel surrounded by love, even when I am alone, with no pants, drinking coffee, watching creepy Christmas films.

  1. Barney Chair/ plates/ silverware – Pretty much all things barney as a kid
  2. An iPod Nano – blue, because pink would’ve been too girly
  3. Family dinners
  4. A bratz doll from my godmother, Aunt Jody, who is no longer living, but I think about all the time.
  5. Copious amounts of letters from my Aunts and Uncles
  6. My friends
  7. Jewelry, that I inevitably lost
  8. The invention of FaceTime/Skpe- I know this was not specifically a gift for me, but it really helps me out during the holidays when I am away
  9. Food on the table every Christmas
  10. My health
  11. Many white Christmases in Wisco
  12. Christmases spent with my Nan and Poppy, Rest in peace.
  13. The memory of living in NYC during the Christmas season
  14. The families I work(ed) with
  15. It’s a Wonderful Life aka my favorite Christmas movie
  16. The Holiday aka my second favorite Christmas movie
  17. Pictures drawn by the wonderful children I’ve worked with throughout my life
  18. Framed photos of all the magnificent people in my life
  19. Traditions
  20. Orange in my stocking
  21. Cards where money/gift cards fall out- especially those Starbucks gift cards #basic #holla
  22. Cards signed, I love you
  23. Games
  24. Many, many Christmases to come
  25. Life

I could put 10,000 more on this list, because I have been blessed Christmas after Christmas, heck, day after day, but I have a very busy afternoon ahead of me. And by that, I mean I am going to cook some quiche, watch more Christmas movies, perhaps squeeze in a run, perhaps put on some pants, and later go to a Christmas town event.

& Yeezy bless us, everyone.