Winter Appreciation Post

Happy Hump day my fellow readers. I hope you are all bundled up in warmth on these frightfully chilly days, or enjoying your heat if you are from a place that is warm during these months.

Let’s see.. over the last week I have done a lot of self-care. The burnout I was experiencing was a bit overwhelming, but I knew I had to keep fighting and pulling myself out before I went far too low. It’s interesting, as I become more aware of my emotions and my coping skills, the less I get buried under them. Fascinating how that works, huh? Over this past week I started running again, colored in a coloring book, went to bed early, set boundaries, and cooked at home. It is amazing how all these simple tasks, when combined, become a haven of healing for myself. All that is to say I am feeling back to a stable human being and super excited about it.

I spent my whole C train ride to this Starbucks wondering what I shall write about today. A few things crossed my mind as I simultaneously wondered who else’s bum sat on this subway seat *crosses fingers ‘I hope that Lin Manuel has sat where I sat’.  Then I started to think about the season. The season of cold, of holidays, of peppermint mocha lattes *decaf, of so many layers you melt when you get inside, of seasonal affective disorder, oh how the list could go on. This season gets a bad reputation, predominantly because it is cold and dark AF. I get it. I’m tired by 5:30 and most days I can’t feel my nose. The thing is, I love this season. I’m a Sagittarius, if you couldn’t tell, so winter IS my season. Often when I say this, I am met with faces of disgust and sometimes real harsh words. We all have our opinions, I suppose. Even though I am right and you are wrong (BIG Sagittarius energy).

Usually what I hear when people talk about cold weather is that of pessimism and dreams of being rich and famous and in the Caribbean. As someone who used to be a full-time pessimist (now identifying as part-time) it totally makes sense. To dream up an alternative life somewhere else that doesn’t involve the cold, but then I think wait… weren’t you the same bloke that was crying about the heat and wanting to be in A/C all day? Yeah, I see you Karen. Nothin’ makes ya happy.

All of this is to say that for today’s post I wanted to make something light-hearted and fun and perhaps heart-warming for all you cold folx, whether that is your soul or physical temp. So, here is my list of reasons why I/we should all love winter:

  1. People are so much more generous during the ‘holiday season’. One time someone bought my coffee and they were just like ‘Tis the season!” That sweet, sweet coffee angel. I’ll never forget you.
  2. Dogs. In. Jackets.
  3. Snuggly sweaters- both the object and the candle you can buy from Target.
  4. Throwing snowballs at people and things you don’t like. I once threw a snowball at Trump Tower and that was cool. Some ideas for all you in case you need them: Throw them at people that are bad at parking. Throw them at your evil ex or throw them at pictures of your evil ex in case you don’t want to actually see them. Throw them at Donald Trump. Throw them at yourself when you’re near someone rich and then blame them and maybe they will give you money because they feel bad and because “Tis the season!”.
  5. Running in the snow. It’s like regular running except slower and I often pause to stick my tongue out and I get significantly less sweaty. I also sometimes pause to stick my arms and tongue out while spinning in a circle because I believe I am the lead in a rom-com.
  6. Hats/gloves/scarves are cheap to buy and also v. cute.
  7. Did I mention all of the layers you get to pile over any insecurities you might have? I could have anywhere between A-DDD breasts under all of this, you may never know. (DD, if you were curious though.)
  8. Getting to use the excuse “I’m eating more to stay warm for the winter months.”
  9. Sparkly lights all the time, everywhere.
  10. People are more understanding of you going to bed early because the sun is no longer out and that seems more acceptable of a reason to people than ‘it’s good for my mental health’.
  11. It is perfectly acceptable to cancel plans because it is too cold.
  12. Since my birthday is in the winter I get to find out who my true friends are because they risk their lives in the cold to meet me at some dive bar. Thats real friendship, y’all.
  13. Makeup stays on really well because it freezes to your face.
  14. Dogs. In. Jackets.
  15. Boots elevate any outfit
  16. People want to cuddle up next to you a lot more. Fact, my first close contact with a boy was in high school. I’ll set the scene: It’s the annual Grafton High School outdoor, haunted corn maze. In Wisconsin winter starts in October. As a cool kid, I was on the student council and volunteered to be a ‘scarer’. Fake spider webs are everywhere as we wait to scare the next poor child that walks past. “It’s so cold” says the group I’m with “perhaps we should all congregate together for warmth.” My crush, a year older than me, just happens to be in this group. He put his arm around me and I think I blacked out from there. Thank you, cold weather. We never spoke again, but I’ll always have the memories.
  17. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This may seem strange to be thankful for, but recently my roommate told me that her old therapist said that blaming your emotions on the weather can be the number one way to invalidate how you are feeling. And ya know, sometimes I would rather not realize that I’m actually sad for a valid reason. Sometimes I want to blame the weather or mercury in retrograde, k? *This is not to discredit SAD. I fully believe this is real and if you do experience this and are looking for some tips/tricks/referrals feel free to shoot me a message on my contact page.
  18. The subway is significantly less stinky. Less sweaty people=less stinky. It’s called science.
  19. People like to read more in the winter because they are at home and curled up by the fire or candle that they imagine is a fire and also feel they are in their own rom-com. People always read by the fire in rom-coms. In turn, my blog is read more in the winter. I do not have data to back this up.
  20. Clumsy people have more of a reason to fall. They can blame the snow and ice instead of blaming their inability to walk properly.
  21. Blankets.
  22. I do my hair much more in winter. It typically last longer and looks better because again science. Less sweat=better hair.
  23. I am lucky enough to live in a warm home with electricity. I get to feel blessed everyday when I walk in from the cold into the warm. Even if my heater sounds like snakes and demons are in my walls.
  24. Winter rom-coms are better than other rom-coms.
  25. Dogs. In. Jackets.
  26. Ice skating is romantic as hell. Even on your own. #self-partnered
  27. People love to commiserate together. Winter haters love to congregate and shake their fists in the air discussing how cold it is and dreaming of a cruise somewhere warm. They are the cutest grumps out there too because they in all their layers. All you can see is the hatred in their eyes. People that hate together, stay together.

As you can now see, winter is not that bad.

A[wo]men

most people think you

suck the life out of a room

I think you are cool.

-winter

300 Feet, Please

I have written several things at this point and erased them all. I wrote a poem about nightmares and decided it was shit. I wrote about my evening and thought it was boring. The reason I am hating everything right now is because none of it is honest.

If I am going to be honest, I want to lay down some ground rules:

  1. I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Yeezy.

Okay that was it. That’s my only ground rule when it comes to telling the truth. And even though we are not in a court of law and could totally be lying to you, I hope you believe that I have my right hand on The Life of Pablo(2016) and my left hand raised.

Okay, I am just putting off the inevitable at this point. The cold hard facts that y’all are dying to hear. Well, here it is.

I don’t want to do this today.

I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to write. I don’t want to get dressed. I sure as hell don’t want to go outside (it’s rain snowing..).

“Why?” you might ask. For starters, it is Sunday, Yeezy’s day of rest. Aside from that, it’s this little thing I like to call depression. As someone who works in the mental health field I don’t use that term lightly. I don’t mean today I am feeling sad; I mean today I feel like every breath I take, every move I make my depression is watching me. Is this what the Police intended for this song? It makes it feel much less creepy this way. I suppose though, depression is a creepy man watching your every move, ensuring that nothing gets in his way from keeping you down. Jokes on you depression, because after what feels like 200 years of this, I know how to handle you.

I pull out my restraining order and remember that you are supposed to stay at least 300 feet away from me at all times. Time to call in some back up. My back up in this scenario is ten fold. First I take every negative little thing he says to me and I twist back at him. “I don’t want to wake up today” he mumbles. In turn, I scream “I am waking up! Here we go!” He tells me that “I shouldn’t write today,” so I say “I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT YOU! HA!” Next form of back up is coffee, aka sweet beautiful nectar of life. Some may say this seems counterproductive, but without my coffee returning to my bed is an extreme possibility. After coffee comes the phone calls. I call my friends, I call my family, I call student loans, I call the phone company. I talk and talk and talk. I can’t afford therapy right now, so I utilize these free listeners. (And of course this blog is an outlet where I gather even more listeners!) I just like to be heard. Some days I exercise. This one is particularly difficult to fight him on because it never has been my comfort zone. I try to at least argue though.

Eventually, with all these forces combined he backs off to 300 feet. See my depression, I find, doesn’t fit the DSM definition. It comes and goes in waves, and it’s not cyclical in nature. I can’t predict it like my period. It’s not like “Oh, it’s that time of the month again! Here comes the depression. Break out of the ice cream ladies!” Sometimes it last for a day, sometimes it last for a week. I don’t experience mania when I don’t have it. I don’t all of the sudden have this overwhelming boost of energy. It is just subtly different. One day things feel really hard and one day they don’t. I’ve tried medicine, but it didn’t work for me. I assume this is because there doesn’t seem to be rhyme or reason to it and medication is all about rhyme and reason. I do feel obliged to say that I think that medicine can be a great tool for depression!

Of course my number one backup, the keeper of the keys if you will, is comedy. By this I don’t mean watching comedy, although Friends makes me laugh every yeezy-damn time. What I really love, love, love is making others laugh. Sometimes I think it makes people uncomfortable when I joke about my depression because in people’s head depression is some dark, shamed disease that should never be laughed at! But that’s just it, I am not laughing at it, I am laughing with it. There is a podcast called “The Hilarious World of Depression” (which I highly recommend) that talks about just this. It gets into the depths of not just depression, but a whole host of mental health diagnoses and guess what? People laugh.

The number one way depression likes to win is isolation. So, I blog about it. I listen to the podcasts. I spent a billion dollars on social work school to work with it. I surround myself in the hilarious world of depression. Every day that I avoid working with him, he wins.

For me its about working through it, not around it. I get through difficult times with community and laughter. Some people have different ways of getting through. Some people haven’t figured it out yet. This is why I decided to write about it today (& because I need to step up my poetry game before I go posting that shit online). Because maybe, somewhere out there, someone is having the same experience as me. And maybe this post helps someone. And maybe, just maybe, this post helped me.

Definitely, maybe it did help me.

Now depression, please back the eff up. 

**I would also like to say that if you are feeling isolated and it feels like the depression is winning and you don’t know where to start, reach out: 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) **