Erin Riley: #momlife

Welcome to the third installment of my interview sessions. I am so excited about this weeks storyteller because it is my first family member to be interviewed. As some of you know, I am the sister to four other girls. That’s right, 5 daughters… “my poor dad” yada yada yada. Erin is the second oldest of the group. As my interview began with Erin she was tiptoeing around her house finding a spot that she can speak a little louder than a whisper because her youngest son had just gone down for a nap.

“Dude, I didn’t know this was going to be on FaceTime. I did not prepare for this.”

I would liken her look to a mom with a sick kid. Comfy PJ clothes and hair pulled back lightly to keep it from her eyes. Even still though, Erin always has this petite-blondie-mom glow about her, even when she’s sharing that she’s been up too long nursing her son’s fever away. She is a mama warrior as you will read about throughout her story. However, I always like to start with the basics.

“[Erin] how did we meet?”

“Girl, I known you since you were born. So yeah..”

“Do you remember me being born?”

“I remember Corie [the oldest sister] was super upset because we were in Florida. This was crazy. Back in the day, yo, mom and dad stuck us on a plane by ourselves and asked the flight attendant to keep an eye on us… and then nan and pop-pop got us off in Florida.”

Erin’s demeanor at this point is one of pure astonishment. It was clear in her body language that the idea of putting her boys on a plane by themselves would not be in the cards anytime soon. One of my favorite things about hearing stories from Erin, is being able to read how she would feel in that position. She is someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and does not hide how she is feeling from anyone, except perhaps her customers that she serves at the diner down the road. Customer service calls for masking true emotions, unfortunately.

“Corie was super worried. She was like *in scared child voice* ‘I just feel like mom is going to have the baby while we’re gone’ and I don’t think she did. I think it was after we got back… It was so bizarre. And I remember we met a lady on the plane that ugh… kept saying ‘Look I see the moon’ and then she would sing ‘made you look, made you look, made you buy a penny book.'”

We both laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation. It was clear that this was a memory to Erin that was both strange and exciting. Another little sister was on the way and she was getting treated like a real older sister. She got to ride a plane and go to Florida without her parents.

As we continued it was clear that Erin often thinks of her own childhood experiences as she is raising her own children. Erin is the proud mother, as I am the proud Auntie Rahrah, of two boys, Elias (7) and Sampson (1). Erin takes her role as mom very seriously and her passion for being a mother was clear in our conversation.

One of the exciting parts about getting to do these interviews with people is seeing what story comes up as we sit together. I have zero expectations as to what story people are going to tell me and this often makes the reader feel a little overwhelmed at first, but as we talk, it is clear there is a story that has been waiting to get out all along. I was especially excited to hear what story Erin had to tell because, as a sibling, it was exciting to see what she felt comfortable telling me.

“So, [Erin] what story would you like to tell?”

“I don’t know it’s hard.. I know you’re all about self love…”

“It can literally be about whatever you want to talk about. It doesn’t have to be something you feel you have to talk about or that you think would fit in this space. What is your story?”

Exhales deeply “Ugh.. that’s a tough one. It is cuz I mean I don’t know… I was thinking about talking about how hard it is raising kids and the strain on trying to figure Eli out with his attitudes and all this digital sh*t that we didn’t have growing up and I try to think back and it’s like we were never that big into playing video games. I mean we watched a lot of TV but I don’t think then it was like ‘oh TV’s bad. It was like oh good, something to keep them occupied, get’s them out of your hair.’ Plus, we were still all over the freakin’ place and they wouldn’t call us in until like night time and we would watch TV then.”

“Okay, let’s start with this then. What would you say it was like before you had kids? Do you remember?”

“At the time it was great, but looking back I’m like.. how boring! There was just no purpose to it. And not saying that everyone needs to have kids to have a purpose, but for us it was like we were bartending and at the bars every night. It was all about this party or that one, and I mean I still want to go to a party every now and again or go see music or whatever but I don’t know… Now there are more important things for me.  Like there are these people depending on you and trying to make sure they grow up to not be a**holes and that’s f****ing hard. It’s really hard. Especially when I’m a yeller and I don’t want to be a yeller, but I’m a yeller. And that’s part of the reason that Eli gets yell-y and stomp-y when he’s mad because that’s how I am and I’ve been trying to change it. I’ve actually been reading this book called ‘Happy child, peaceful parent’ or whatever.”

*giggling*

“And I’ve told Eli before when he get’s all pissed that I’m like ‘you know man, I know that I yell sometimes and that’s not right and I’m trying to change it and I want you to know that I don’t want you to grow up and be like this and yell and have to work on your anger and that’s why I’m trying to work on it with you now’… and I don’t know if he get’s it or not but maybe who knows?”

As she is talking her hands are playing with her hair and she is looking off as if this is not the first time she’s had this conversation with herself. I can tell she often reflects on her behaviors and the way she influences her children. Erin is a mom that is constantly working to improve so that she can show her children how to improve and she is always helping them to learn and grow with her. Reading books with silly titles or talking to other mom’s or watching videos- anyway she can grow, she tries too. It’s apparent in her children too, who constantly show their ability to grow and learn. Eli, by the age of 3 could name and the planets and some of their moons. I don’t even know the moons to different planets. Heck, I barely know the planets without ‘My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas’. Sampson at the age of one is ready to run around and I can tell he wants to have a full on conversation when I FaceTime. I don’t know what he is trying to tell me yet, but it definitely involves something about a ball.

She then dove into how her and her partner try to work together to parent and help them grow. Erin and her husband Pat grew under two different parenting styles, and so, it makes sense that as the try to raise kids together, there are disagreements and compromises that are made.

“What kind of parenting style does Pat have?”

“[He] is a little bit more goofy and a little bit more laid back. I’m more.. I don’t know. I’m not uptight I guess… [For example] table manors [are] really important and listening and saying thank you instead of thanks… you should look someone in the eye and say thank you… and Pat sometimes feels that I am hard on him, like ‘as long as he’s eating, that’s what’s important’. And we try to find that balance. It’s so hard sometimes. Freakin’ kids should come with manuals. It would be a lot easier.”

There isn’t a manual, yet I believe some people believe they could write one. One thing that I always found fascinating with people is when they feel they know better than someone else about that person’s life. So, I was dying to know if Erin experiences the “mom politics” as I like to call it. People policing other people’s ways to parents.

“Tell me about mom politics.”

“Oh like the judge-y moms and stuff? I’ve noticed not too many mom’s say sh*t to me. I mean like no ones like ‘oh god… you’re not using cloth diapers’… I don’t know. I know there are mom’s out there that are like super judge-y. The biggest thing I have noticed is the pro-vaxxers vs anti-vaxxers situation. I just don’t even talk about vaccinations anymore. Thankfully though, I don’t notice it too much and I’ve even noticed from myself that I would get upset with my friends about certain things, but I realized most of it was coming from a place of jealousy and wanting to have the same things as them. So, once I saw where it was coming from, I was able to check it. To me though and my friends, it’s just whatever works. Every family is different. None of us really judge each other [about things] because we’re just trying to survive.”

She took a deep breathe in and I could hear there was another side of her journey to becoming a parent that she wanted to share. Often parenthood is discussed in terms of after the birth, but parenting for those trying to get pregnant starts with that positive test. Often, the pregnancy is the part that the person who is carrying goes through individually and then once they pass that part they are able to commiserate and be open and honest about their experience. However, we are beginning to see a cultural change in this narrative. More pregnant people are sharing their stories about their choices, loss, pains, heartbreak, joy, etc. There are more and more people connecting their stories to others that need to hear them and no longer allowing their story to be swept under the rug.

“It still hurts thinking about it and I think I just posted about it on Facebook about my rainbow baby Sampson, but we are so lucky that we got to have another child. That we have two kids.”

A rainbow baby for those that aren’t aware is a child that is born shortly after going through a miscarriage. As Erin talked about her experience you could hear her holding back the tears and you could also feel the strength she has gained through her experience. I remember talking to her that day, the day they couldn’t find the heartbeat. She could barely speak to me through the phone as her tears overtook the conversation. I felt her heartbreak that day and can still feel it as she talks bout it with a stronger voice.

“I know some people that they just can’t and I have a friend that she considers herself a lucky one because she has one and she’s been trying for longer than Pat and I have. It has gotten better as far as like the amount of people that talk about it. If you think back to like when mom and [our aunts] were getting pregnant and stuff people didn’t really talk about it that much. And just suffering like that alone is just so hard. That’s why it sucked that this last time it was [about] four months along where they say it’s safe to tell people and we lost it so I had to publicly announce on facebook that we lost our child, but in a way I’m glad that I had to post it because I had so many people reach out to me telling me [their experiences]. Just so heartbreaking and people that I thought I was close with reached out to me to be like ‘yeah, we just lost one’ or ‘just before we had this child we lost one’. It’s just amazing and I [tell people now], tell your family. If anything happens people are going to know why you are upset and are talking about it. Get the support you need because you don’t have to suffer alone.”

She then went on to talk about the pregnancy that followed her miscarriage. The fear that they faced every doctors appointment, as she held her breath when they looked for Sampson’s heartbeat and how that fear never truly leaves, just hoping every second, of every day that her kids are safe and healthy and happy. Then as we wrapped up the conversation she went back to reflecting on her own childhood. Apologizing for being “an a**hole” (her words, not mine) and daydreaming about what her own kids will be like as teenagers. I think the best part of this interview was just getting to see the love that radiated from her as she got to spend a full hour talking about her life as a mom and her love for her children. Every sentence, even when she was talking about ways that motherhood has been difficult, was coming from a place of love and hope that she is going about it the right way.

When we started this interview she said that she is impressed with me and my blog and jokingly stated “I hope I’m like you when I grow up.” As I am not a mom yet and got to hear her experience- being open and honest about #momlife I think I feel the same way. Erin, I hope I’m a mom like you when I grow up- Full of love, hope, kindness, and raw honesty.

A[wo]men & Erin Riley

I sincerely thank Erin for sharing her story and being so brave and honest with me about what it is like to be a mom. If you or someone you know has a story they would like to share please fill out the form on my contact page. And if you are experiencing difficulties with pregnancy and/or parenting, know that you are not alone and that people want to connect with and support you.

i struggle so deeply

to understand

how someone can

pour their entire soul

blood and energy

into someone

without wanting

anything in

return

i will have to wait till i’m a mother– Rupi Kaur

Kitty Sopow: The Wish

Imagine you’re a child sitting in a field of grass; you see a dandelion and your eyes perk up. As you pluck it from the base of the earth, you think of the one thing you wish for most in the world. What was that young you thinking of? What did you whisper to yourself as you blew the seeds into space to take on a new life? 

For Kitty Sopow it was always the dream of her parents getting back together.

This week we will be exploring the brave and honest story from my dear friend, Kitty.

I met Kitty in a Target in Anchorage, which is strange because neither of us lived in Anchorage and neither of us lived in a Target, although it sometimes feels like it. Kitty had known my then boyfriend through Skype calls as they worked together on a project. As we were strolling down the aisle I remember him squinting his eyes and saying to me ‘I think I know her’. Then he said it to her, “I think I know you”. I remember looking at Kitty and thinking ‘damn… she’s cool.’ She had punk rock hair, 70’s fashion glasses, with printed leggings and an oversized sweatshirt on. She had a huge grin on her face as she finally got to meet her friend outside of the screen. I lingered back from the conversation, as shy people often do, trying to not embarrass myself in front of the cool kid.

“Kitty, what were your first impressions of me?”

“I could tell.. you were like ‘something is wrong with this bitch!’”

“HA All I kept thinking is… this girl is a badass!”

“WHAT?!?”

This is where I like to begin because this is where Kitty and I began. And, as I’ve learned many times in my life, first impressions are often *pardon my language* total shit. She said she thought I didn’t like her. She thought I was assessing her, trying to figure out if she was into my boyfriend or not. She shared that when she first moved to the island in Alaska for the summer, which is how we became closer than a Target meet and greet, she thought I was a “wet blanket”. RUDE. To be fair, she only knew me for five seconds and thought I was scared she was into my boyfriend- I can’t hold that against her. We all do it. Another commonality among the human race. And so, this was where our story began: Through thoughts not discussed, but impacting the relationship regardless.

As we continued on the with the interview, agreeing that we were closer friends by overcoming our preconceived ideas, I started to find a common theme- often the things we don’t talk about are creating the biggest impact in our relationships.

“Why do you want to tell your story? 

“Well, ya know, I want to support you. And I’m always the one recording stories, so [I thought] it would be kinda nice to reverse the rolls…”

Kitty just graduated with a Masters of Science in Applied Anthropology in August of 2019. This degree is what brought her to Klawock, Alaska and into my life. For her thesis she wrote about subsistence on Prince of Wales. She interviewed people about the role subsistence plays in their lives. I spent many nights with Kitty hearing her talk about her interviews and would see the way she lit up when she became a part of someones story. In a way, I think she influenced me to start this project of telling other peoples stories. Seeing the way she became so involved and immeshed in each persons way of life was intoxicating.

“What do you like about your role as the interviewer?” I asked. 

“You know, you just sit in silence and people just tell you what’s important to them and I think that’s really cool.” 

Kitty, still airing that ‘cool girl’ vibe even today, is sitting on her bed, morning hair falling every which way, as she paints her toenails a merlot red. Oversized boxer shorts and a fitted tank top sets the tone for an ‘I woke up like this’ conversation.

“So [Kitty] the other part of today, obviously, is talking about a story that you have that you feel like might connect with other people… Do you have a story in mind?”

This is where I started to see a different side of Kitty. Her words became a little more rushed than normal and I could feel her energy shift from confident to unsure. The cool-girl vibe still lingered but mixed with a story that she has been holding in for some time. 

“Can I cry while I tell you.. I think I know a story I want to tell…” 

Her eyes were watering and her voice began to shake. She took a deep breath in.

“When I was a kid, there were dandelions all over the place, obviously in the spring. And uh, and my Aunt told me if I picked one up and blew, when all the whispers went away in one blow your dream/wish would come true. And they would always say that stupid wish would come true, like, if you wish on the first star that you saw or, or like, *sniffles* you blew all your birthday cake candles out in one blow your wish would come true, but I never could… and for years all I did was wish my parents would get back together. And yeah… sometimes I sit here and I forget that for years I would just oh, I would wish so hard every night when I’d see a star, every year on my birthday, or every f****ing single breath in the spring I would wish that. And they never got back together and so… I would go from like being at my dads house with my step-mom who hated me, to going to my moms house with my step-dad who we hated.”

I could tell this was something she didn’t talk about often. This was a story that came through with most of her relationships, both platonic and not, but was never said out loud. It felt as though Baby Kitty was sitting across from me, still just wishing on her flowers, candles, stars and now blog posts for the miracle of a family that didn’t know the word ‘divorce’. I know she isn’t alone. I’ve sat with friends, clients, partners, you name it, who all dreamed of different family dynamics. My parents never got divorced, but I remember when things would get bad, using some of my own wishes on a desire to feel like the Brady Bunch. I didn’t talk about it for a long time though. Blood is thicker than water, therefore, it is easier to drown in. As Kitty took her deep breaths between sentences, it felt like she was working her way up to the surface. With each word that left her lips, the heaviness seemed to start lifting. She was no longer holding in the story that held her under for so long.

Kitty was coming up for air in front of my eyes. 

Kitty went on with how this whole situation impacted her choices moving forward. She, like a lot of kids that have difficult relationships with their families, learned to be independent. She knew as soon as she could leave their care she would; her ambitions fueled by the desire to be done with needing her family. That mentality, however, started to feel a bit bit blurry when she got the news that takes over much of the space in her mind today. 

“I was just like thinking you know, wow, like I spent years just thinking about that one wish, ya know? Now it’s just weird because well my moms got breast cancer… and I had to call my dad and tell him. And it was like, I’ve know for a long time that my moms had cancer like at first she had skin cancer, then had cervical cancer, and now its in her breasts and lymph nodes and my dad didn’t know any of this… and he was like ‘Oh, thanks for telling me.’ And I just thought that was, like, just weird. It’s so weird. What’s really weird, okay, is so my dad’s mom also has cancer. Everyone else knew that my mom had cancer but my dad didn’t and it was just weird. ‘Oh yeah dad, sorry, you’re the last one to know my moms had cancer for like a year… And its like, you know, I know my dad at one point had to have feelings for my mom… so, like, I wonder what he is thinking?… his mom has cancer, his ex wife now has cancer, I wonder if he’s thinking ‘oh my daughter is going to get cancer.’

As she said this sentence I could feel my body start to heat up, because all I could hear in that sentence was ‘oh, is my friend going to get cancer?’ My friend, that was so rawly telling me about the difficult childhood she had and her family’s battle with cancer, and the person that was there for me in some of my darkest times, would I see the day that she get’s sick? I tried to let the thought pass through, not letting it derail the conversation. 

She continued on about this strange dynamic that now existed and then it hit me, was my friend sitting there also wondering if she was going to get cancer? 

“You know [Kitty] you mentioned your dad wondering if you were going to get cancer, but is that something you’re thinking about?”

“I think so. I always thought I was going to die from suicide or cancer,” she shared as she was laughing through her nose.

Kitty uses laughter as a way to cope with the dark things in her life. It is something that I love the most about her. She continued to make jokes throughout the interview, saying things like “my mom is the one-percenter of breast cancer, so bow down, she is a one-percenter.” When I lived with Kitty we would spend hours laughing at everything we could. We would talk about our suicidal ideations like it was going to be the kickstart for our stand-up shows. No matter the topic we find a way to laugh together. But the good thing about knowing Kitty, even more after this interview, is that I know that between the laughs there are deep, deep pains that spill out with hard crying. This interview was no different, oscillating between laughter and tears. I could feel her pain and I could feel her trying to cope with that pain. 

She went on to talk about her two siblings who have gone through the same events, but how they handled it much differently. 

Kitty talks about her family through a lens of empathy, wanting to have a deeper understanding of the choices that were made as to lessen the pain and the way it impacts her daily life. She told me about her brothers and how much it affects them. She recalled the disconnect from her older brother as he pushed away from any sort of connection, which they have now started to rebuild. Then to her younger brother, who is still working on finding himself. As she then laughs and throws in “So, yes I am the middle, obviously.” Needing to interject some more comedy to help protect herself. 

All of this disconnect and hurt with her family kept her on the move. She winded up in Alaska in August of 2012. If there is one thing that Kitty has always made clear to me, it’s that Alaska held one of the most special places in her heart. 

“And so, do you think you’ll be in Alaska forever?”

“You know, I used to think that, until my mom got sick again. I’m gonna go home for a little bit. It’s not healthy for me to be there for a long time. I haven’t been home for more than 5 days in like 7 years. Yeah, I was thinking about going home for a month.” She was quick to note that she wouldn’t be staying at her families homes, she would be renting a place, still finding ways to keep herself safe. 

It felt as though Kitty was letting go of something as the interview came to an end. She was recognizing that as we get older we can take our history and rather than let it define us we can let it inform us. Kitty still cares deeply for her family, regardless of the unfulfilled wishes from her childhood. She is there for her mom and they are all working together to get through all the ways cancer derails their lives. Her wish now transforming into one of keeping her mother alive, healthy, and married to anyone, so long as she can stick around.

Kitty, who I see as a strong, bad-ass, presented me with very real vulnerability. I felt so connected to someone I already call a close friend. Hearing her story, I was humbled by the ways I didn’t know this part of my friend. It reminded me that whether you are sitting with a complete stranger or your best friend, there are always new stories to discover, so long as you leave space for people to tell you what’s important to them.

“Okay last question for you, Kitty. Is there anything you want to recommend to people hearing your story and have experienced or are experiencing the things you have experienced?”

“Uhm, probably just self-care and mindfulness and sometimes self-care isn’t a bubble bath it’s actually getting a f****ing therapist and talking about some shit. In order to have productive self-care I think you need to know a lot about yourself… Self-care doesn’t necessarily feel good. It can honestly be the most painful thing you ever do.”

Blunt enters the screen, another coping skill she has acquired over time.  

She continues, as she exhales from a deep drag, “my mom consumes every thought of mine right now. I’ve been crying a lot lately… Here I go crying again.”

“I wish I could hug you.”

Through the tears, “I just want to say that if my mom were here she would say ‘google how to do your own breast exam. And don’t forget to get your mammogram at dat 40’ and then she would cross her arms and give you the look.” 

Sound advice, I would say.

And I would like to add, never stop wishing on anything you can. As Kitty so perfectly demonstrated, sometimes hope is all that we have to get us through a difficult time.

A[wo]men & Kitty Sopow

* Featured image gathered from story-teller (From left bottom to right bottom: Joe, Terry-mom, Kitty, Pearce-dad, Bobby)

Vows, schmows. I don’t care.

Is it hereditary?

I really don’t know.

-Divorce by Kitty Sopow

If you or someone you know is interested in having their story told please fill out the contact form located on this website.

***For more information on the story-teller, follow her on instagram @sopowart