An unpredictable, wild ride, baby.

Hello all my lovely humans. I am so glad to be back this week. Of course, I missed last weeks post due to the holiday. And by holiday I mean the day where we recognize, discuss, and find ways to take action for the injustices done to Native folks on their stolen land while we eat a strange amount of turkey (or in my case tofurkey) and potatoes. I assume you all did the same and if for some reason you were struggling to think of ways to take action I might recommend starting with shopping from Native shops this holiday season. [I’ll tag a few here: Ink Stitcher Studios, ArXotica, Sister Sky, Indigenous Cosmetics, and Beyond Bucksin. (**If you have any others please feel free to comment on this post with a link.)]

As for this week we are on to the next holiday and it just happens to be my favorite one of all: Sarah’s 30th Birthday. I know you all thought I was about to say Christmas. I laugh in the face of Christmas. *hahahaha* My Birthday TM is obviously much more important. In all seriousness though, on Friday December 4th, I will be another year AND another decade older. One of the reasons I love my bday so much is because it gives me a chance to reflect on the year behind and the year ahead. Shocking, I love to reflect. It’s not like my entire blog is based around this idea or anything.

So, let’s start with the year behind. On December 4th, 2019 I was on a date. It was actually a very sweet date that ended quite nicely. He ghosted me two weeks later. As the great Fall Out Boy once played on repeat in my little teen ear “thanks for the memories, even though they weren’t so great.” That seemed to be a theme for the beginning of my 29th year. Date, they ghost, date, I ghost, date, I break up, date, they break up. And so on and so forth. Also, a big theme of my 29th year was the GLOBAL PANDEMIC. I.e. crisis, depression, anxiety, unhealthy coping skills, all the good stuff. I did also move which was exciting. Still in Brooklyn, but a spot that is much more me and much more affordable. I get along well with my roommates and the loneliness that was brought on by the pandemic simply disappeared. My supervisor/friend/advocate passed away in July after my move. I think about you every day, Vilma. We all experienced a lot of loss this year; painful, heartbreaking loss. It’s made me hold my loved ones closer. Speaking of loved ones, in August my original theme of dating was flipped on its head when I met my current partner. The real shocker of my 29th year- he didn’t ghost me! There’s still a chance, it’s only been like 4 months and even though he is currently quarantining with me he could leave at any moment. Men ain’t sh*t, amiright? Just kidding, he’s great. I also started anti-depressants… that’s the true win of my 29th year. My mood has been the most stable it has ever been AND I think about dying wayyyy less. Woah, truly an incredible year I had. Oh, and I got a soda stream. That was cool.

All of this is to say that while 2020 objectively was a real sh*tshow, I had a lot of really wildly unexpected good things happen to me this past year. I don’t think I ever could’ve predicted that the year we go into lockdown is the year I would get it together. Kinda cool. Which then begs the question where do I go from here? In a recent conversation someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years… I hate this question with a burning, fiery passion. At 25 if you asked me where I saw myself in 5 years I can tell you I did not see myself wearing a mask to work everyday, or only riding my bike to get there, or having to primarily communicate with my friends and family via FaceTime. I don’t know where I will be in 5 years, that’s the beauty of living. It is an unpredictable, wild ride baby and I am here for it.

Honestly, I sort of blanked when the question was first tossed out. Then, with a deep breath I said “probably still doing this”. “What is this?” you may be asking. Well, it’s me loving harder than I have ever loved before- both myself and others; it is doing work that makes me feel good; it is knowing that I am worthy, with or without work; it is breathing and moving and thinking and writing and learning. In five years I will, with all the luck in the world, be alive.

I can’t just end the post there though. See, I also like to dream about things, things that may or may not happen for me; like being a billionaire and having kids and owning my own business and writing a book. While some of these things may seem outlandish, some of these things are totally obtainable. By some of these things, I particularly mean one of these things, which is why I am so excited for the next chapter in my life, pun intended. I am finally going to start writing a book. This is a dream that I sat on in my 20’s and with the new decade approaching, I am ready to dive in. I came to this conclusion, when over the weekend my best friend gifted me a present for my 30th birthday (image below). She had compiled all of my blog poems into a hard cover book. I can’t even explain the feeling I got when I saw it. It reminded me of this dream and woke me up to how much I really want to accomplish this goal. And not to sound like an overbearing mother towards myself, but “it ain’t gonna write itself, honey.”

Of course writing a book will definitely cut into my blog time, so my plan is to write a post *hopefully* once a month. I still want to explore the ups and downs of life with you all, so don’t you worry about that. As for the book… I don’t know where it will go, but I do know I am going to have fun doing it. Perhaps, in another 10 years, I’ll still be trying to write it or maybe I’ll be onto my second or third. What was that thing I said about wild and unpredictable? Oh right, that’s life baby.

So, with that all being said, I’m going to work hard and type to you in January, cuties. I hope your holidays and New Year are, if nothing else, another day you get to be alive.

A[wo]men

each decade

return to yourself

as the waves

return to the sea

-turning 30

Winter Appreciation Post

Happy Hump day my fellow readers. I hope you are all bundled up in warmth on these frightfully chilly days, or enjoying your heat if you are from a place that is warm during these months.

Let’s see.. over the last week I have done a lot of self-care. The burnout I was experiencing was a bit overwhelming, but I knew I had to keep fighting and pulling myself out before I went far too low. It’s interesting, as I become more aware of my emotions and my coping skills, the less I get buried under them. Fascinating how that works, huh? Over this past week I started running again, colored in a coloring book, went to bed early, set boundaries, and cooked at home. It is amazing how all these simple tasks, when combined, become a haven of healing for myself. All that is to say I am feeling back to a stable human being and super excited about it.

I spent my whole C train ride to this Starbucks wondering what I shall write about today. A few things crossed my mind as I simultaneously wondered who else’s bum sat on this subway seat *crosses fingers ‘I hope that Lin Manuel has sat where I sat’.  Then I started to think about the season. The season of cold, of holidays, of peppermint mocha lattes *decaf, of so many layers you melt when you get inside, of seasonal affective disorder, oh how the list could go on. This season gets a bad reputation, predominantly because it is cold and dark AF. I get it. I’m tired by 5:30 and most days I can’t feel my nose. The thing is, I love this season. I’m a Sagittarius, if you couldn’t tell, so winter IS my season. Often when I say this, I am met with faces of disgust and sometimes real harsh words. We all have our opinions, I suppose. Even though I am right and you are wrong (BIG Sagittarius energy).

Usually what I hear when people talk about cold weather is that of pessimism and dreams of being rich and famous and in the Caribbean. As someone who used to be a full-time pessimist (now identifying as part-time) it totally makes sense. To dream up an alternative life somewhere else that doesn’t involve the cold, but then I think wait… weren’t you the same bloke that was crying about the heat and wanting to be in A/C all day? Yeah, I see you Karen. Nothin’ makes ya happy.

All of this is to say that for today’s post I wanted to make something light-hearted and fun and perhaps heart-warming for all you cold folx, whether that is your soul or physical temp. So, here is my list of reasons why I/we should all love winter:

1. People are so much more generous during the ‘holiday season’. One time someone bought my coffee and they were just like ‘Tis the season!” That sweet, sweet coffee angel. I’ll never forget you.
2. Dogs. In. Jackets.
3. Snuggly sweaters- both the object and the candle you can buy from Target.
4. Throwing snowballs at people and things you don’t like. I once threw a snowball at Trump Tower and that was cool. Some ideas for all you in case you need them: Throw them at people that are bad at parking. Throw them at your evil ex or throw them at pictures of your evil ex in case you don’t want to actually see them. Throw them at Donald Trump. Throw them at yourself when you’re near someone rich and then blame them and maybe they will give you money because they feel bad and because “Tis the season!”.
5. Running in the snow. It’s like regular running except slower and I often pause to stick my tongue out and I get significantly less sweaty. I also sometimes pause to stick my arms and tongue out while spinning in a circle because I believe I am the lead in a rom-com.
6. Hats/gloves/scarves are cheap to buy and also v. cute.
7. Did I mention all of the layers you get to pile over any insecurities you might have? I could have anywhere between A-DDD breasts under all of this, you may never know. (DD, if you were curious though.)
8. Getting to use the excuse “I’m eating more to stay warm for the winter months.”
9. Sparkly lights all the time, everywhere.
10. People are more understanding of you going to bed early because the sun is no longer out and that seems more acceptable of a reason to people than ‘it’s good for my mental health’.
11. It is perfectly acceptable to cancel plans because it is too cold.
12. Since my birthday is in the winter I get to find out who my true friends are because they risk their lives in the cold to meet me at some dive bar. Thats real friendship, y’all.
13. Makeup stays on really well because it freezes to your face.
14. Dogs. In. Jackets.
15. Boots elevate any outfit
16. People want to cuddle up next to you a lot more. Fact, my first close contact with a boy was in high school. I’ll set the scene: It’s the annual Grafton High School outdoor, haunted corn maze. In Wisconsin winter starts in October. As a cool kid, I was on the student council and volunteered to be a ‘scarer’. Fake spider webs are everywhere as we wait to scare the next poor child that walks past. “It’s so cold” says the group I’m with “perhaps we should all congregate together for warmth.” My crush, a year older than me, just happens to be in this group. He put his arm around me and I think I blacked out from there. Thank you, cold weather. We never spoke again, but I’ll always have the memories.
17. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This may seem strange to be thankful for, but recently my roommate told me that her old therapist said that blaming your emotions on the weather can be the number one way to invalidate how you are feeling. And ya know, sometimes I would rather not realize that I’m actually sad for a valid reason. Sometimes I want to blame the weather or mercury in retrograde, k? *This is not to discredit SAD. I fully believe this is real and if you do experience this and are looking for some tips/tricks/referrals feel free to shoot me a message on my contact page.
18. The subway is significantly less stinky. Less sweaty people=less stinky. It’s called science.
19. People like to read more in the winter because they are at home and curled up by the fire or candle that they imagine is a fire and also feel they are in their own rom-com. People always read by the fire in rom-coms. In turn, my blog is read more in the winter. I do not have data to back this up.
20. Clumsy people have more of a reason to fall. They can blame the snow and ice instead of blaming their inability to walk properly.
21. Blankets.
22. I do my hair much more in winter. It typically last longer and looks better because again science. Less sweat=better hair.
23. I am lucky enough to live in a warm home with electricity. I get to feel blessed everyday when I walk in from the cold into the warm. Even if my heater sounds like snakes and demons are in my walls.
24. Winter rom-coms are better than other rom-coms.
25. Dogs. In. Jackets.
26. Ice skating is romantic as hell. Even on your own. #self-partnered
27. People love to commiserate together. Winter haters love to congregate and shake their fists in the air discussing how cold it is and dreaming of a cruise somewhere warm. They are the cutest grumps out there too because they in all their layers. All you can see is the hatred in their eyes. People that hate together, stay together.

As you can now see, winter is not that bad.

A[wo]men

most people think you

suck the life out of a room

I think you are cool.

-winter

Sitting with it all

It’s another week, another eve, another day, another dollar. Wait, what? Sorry, sometimes I get on a roll and things just come out. You know, as we come to the end of 2017 I hear a lot of people cursing this shitty year, and I get it. People, do I get it.  However, with all the cursing going on, I have to say “pardon your language, my friends.” 2017 sucked, sure, but it also rocked.

I often tell my clients that the human mind is a peculiar thing. We can hold many feelings at the same time and we often believe we have to choose one over the other because that seems logical; however, we can sit with them all at the same time and in fact, we often do. I recognize this when I think about 2017.  Like how we have a scary president, but I have also seen more activism out of my (self-proclaimed) ‘non-political’ friends. Or how my dream died, and then I just created another.  When I think of 2017, I feel anger, joy, disgust, sadness, and fear. (Yes, I did just name the characters from Inside Out.) And I am sitting with all of those right now as I await 2018. (Which it already is in some places and that blows my mind.)

That reminds me! 2018 is just a number on a calendar. Tomorrow (or right now depending on where you are) the world won’t drastically change. We won’t wake up with racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, and every other ism magically wiped out. Our president will still be our president. I won’t be an internet sensation… yet. And I’ll probably still be watching Harry Potter. That is okay. If no one has told you that, I need you to repeat it with me “It is okay.” Melissa, I can’t hear you, SAY IT LOUDER “IT IS OKAY.” I felt like a drill sergeant there for a minute. Madame, yes madame.  Really though, it is okay. Change is slow and we live in a world where slow means we flip the people off who are slowing us down. We want the magic pill, the high speed internet. Ya can’t though. Sorry, not sorry. That’s actually not how we are meant to live. I’ve seen a lot of people re-sharing that image of the new years resolutions for 2017 and they just do a little of this… 2017 2018. I love that! I know people think it is just a funny meme, but I think it is realistic. Even if you don’t do one thing on your list, you made the list. That means you thought about yourself for even a second and that is important to recognize. If for the the next five years you have the same list, it doesn’t matter. Hell, I had the same list for about 10 years.

This past year though, I finally crushed it! I wanted to run three miles. Check. I wanted to get my masters degree. Check. I wanted to join the Peace Corps and even though I didn’t officially go, I still got in and I count that. Check. I wanted to travel. In 2017, I went to Canada, Florida, the Bahamas, Washington, North Dakota, Minnesota, Washington and a ton more I am forgetting to mention. Check. I moved out, got a job in my field, and can pay my own bills. Check. I realize that a lot of these I got with privilege and a credit card. I also realized that the list doesn’t matter. I could have put the most ridiculous things on that list and weather I accomplished them or not life would go on. The point of the list isn’t to write a cute check mark next to my goals. The point of the list is to remember that there are always things to work towards. That is why I do it every year. *Side note: I really like to point out that I hate the saying “new year, new me” because fuuuckkkk that. I’m still me. I am not going anywhere. The quicker I realized that, the easier my life became. Life is both long and short (try sitting with that) and the only person with you through it all, my dudettes & dudes & non-binary friends, is you.

With that being said, here is my 2018 resolutions list:

• Stop saying sorry so much… unless it is followed by not sorry.
• Jump out of a plane
• Run a marathon
• Climb a mountain
• Go to a new country I’ve never been to
• Read more
• Reach out to people I’ve lost touch with
• Make more friends
• Become internet famous
• But also disconnect more
• Fall in love
• Study for the LSAT
• Have money in my savings account
• Pay off my credit card
• Become an expert at something
• Slow down

Alright that’s enough resolutions for me. I guarantee a lot of these will end up on my 2019 list and I’m cool with that. Like I said, it is okay.  Be more gentle with myself. Check.

P.S.(A.) I hope you all ring in the New Year with much excitement and please for the love of Yeezy, be safe. Don’t drink and drive. I want you all to get a chance to make your lists.

Never alone in love

Merry Christmas Eve to those that celebrate & Happy Holidays to all!

It is a strange thing to be here all alone, no pants on, sipping coffee, with the uber creepy version of Disney’s A Christmas Carol playing in the background. In fact, I tried to be more festive and bring in a Christmas tree that the previous tenant left on the porch… Well, that ended with me screaming bloody murder because a spider tried to destroy my life and now I have to burn my new apartment down. V unfortunate.

This little glimpse into my spider phobia is all to show you that the hardest adjustment I have had since my move to Alaska is living alone. That’s right… It’s not the small island, or the new job, or not being near friends or family, but actually, physically, living alone. I’ve never done it before and never wanted to. I know, y’all are calling me a freak right now. I’ve heard it all before. “Living alone is great, Sarah! Embrace your independence!” Sure not wearing pants is great and only worrying about my own dishes is fantastic, but like when I wake up who do I tell about the crazy dream I had? Who is going to partake in some wine drinking with me after a hard day at work? (because drinking alone is just sad.)  Who do I complain about on the phone to my family? An age old tradition for even the roomies you love the most because no matter how smelly their farts are, you love them all the same. Who will laugh at dumb commercials, awful amazing rom-coms, and tripping over absolutely nothing? WHO WILL GET RID OF THE SPIDERS?

And it is especially apparent during the holidays that I live alone. No awkward gift exchanges with anybody! I relish in giving gifts to my roommates, never really knowing if I got them something they liked. That process ends up taking up like two weeks of my brain space. Now, I just have two weeks to think about… other things? BIZARRE. It helps that the people here are beyond friendly and I’ve been invited to like several holiday dinners. I feel grateful in that sense.

Who am I kidding? I feel grateful in a lot of senses. And while I could spend this whole post telling you about the woes of living alone, and trust me it would be oh-so thrilling, I won’t do that to y’all. Instead, what I am going to do is make a list, because what is more appropriate than a list for Christmas? Except instead of a naughty or nice list, or a list for Santa, i’m going to dive into the past; a list of some of the Christmas gifts I have received that make me feel surrounded by love, even when I am alone, with no pants, drinking coffee, watching creepy Christmas films.

1. Barney Chair/ plates/ silverware – Pretty much all things barney as a kid
2. An iPod Nano – blue, because pink would’ve been too girly
3. Family dinners
4. A bratz doll from my godmother, Aunt Jody, who is no longer living, but I think about all the time.
5. Copious amounts of letters from my Aunts and Uncles
6. My friends
7. Jewelry, that I inevitably lost
8. The invention of FaceTime/Skpe- I know this was not specifically a gift for me, but it really helps me out during the holidays when I am away
9. Food on the table every Christmas
10. My health
11. Many white Christmases in Wisco
12. Christmases spent with my Nan and Poppy, Rest in peace.
13. The memory of living in NYC during the Christmas season
14. The families I work(ed) with
15. It’s a Wonderful Life aka my favorite Christmas movie
16. The Holiday aka my second favorite Christmas movie
17. Pictures drawn by the wonderful children I’ve worked with throughout my life
18. Framed photos of all the magnificent people in my life
19. Traditions
20. Orange in my stocking
21. Cards where money/gift cards fall out- especially those Starbucks gift cards #basic #holla
22. Cards signed, I love you
23. Games
24. Many, many Christmases to come
25. Life

I could put 10,000 more on this list, because I have been blessed Christmas after Christmas, heck, day after day, but I have a very busy afternoon ahead of me. And by that, I mean I am going to cook some quiche, watch more Christmas movies, perhaps squeeze in a run, perhaps put on some pants, and later go to a Christmas town event.

& Yeezy bless us, everyone.