The Three Brains

“I simply just don’t even want to do it today. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to feel. Bro, I straight up am not having a good time.”

That’s my anxious brain talking. Everyone say hello! My anxious brain is actually one of my more favorite parts of my brain. It might be confusing as to why for some, but my depression is very much linked to the past and the strongest sad emotions that really take over. I see these moments of my life on repeat and it’s typically moments of trauma. My trauma loop is exhausting. It’s like sitting through The English Patient, which I haven’t actually had to endure, but if Elaine from Seinfeld hates it I stan. However, my anxiety, oh baby, does she have some unique imaginative powers and girl has got some teeth.

I’ve heard people say that depression is about past thoughts and anxiety is often about the future. I don’t know if you can tell by my writing, but my creativity when it comes to thinking about the future is next level. I’ve dreamt up whole futures in my head, some good, some bad, some just right. None of them real, not even close. Trust me, I never would have dreamt I’d be living in Brooklyn, working at Planned Parenthood, writing a weekly blog, and posting pictures of myself in bikini’s unedited on the internet. I definitely didn’t guess that whole living in Alaska thing. Heck, I never saw myself actually falling in [romantic] love.

Ah, where the anxious brain and the depressive brain meet- Romantic Love. L is for the way you look so dumb. O is for the only ones I wish I didn’t meet. V is very, very stupid. E is even worse/great than anyone could imagine. I hope you tried to sing that and realized it doesn’t work, as I just did. Anyways, yes love has got me feeling some kind of way. As I mentioned in my last post I was seeing someone new. Well, guess who isn’t seeing someone new anymore? Yes, this girl. Guess who is seeing someone new though? That’s right an ex-boyfriend. I guess I should say THE ex-boyfriend. The first love. The blah, blah, yuck, ew love.

I don’t write a lot about my relationships, mostly because this is about me and not about them. No matter what happened with anyone that I dated, they are a part of me, so I try to be careful in the way I write about them because a part of me will always care about them. My anxious brain isn’t careful though; another reason I love her. I can’t even write some of the things she has said about them. She likes to curse, a lot. I am the queen of careful; I work so very hard to not hurt people feelings and play things safe. So, when I feel my anxious brain going off, I like spending time on the wild side, letting her free flow. If my anxious brain had a celebrity personality it would Mona-Lisa Saperstein from Parks and Rec. The w0o0orst. [But also the best?]

Here’s where I get frustrated though- I know we aren’t right for each other. I know it is completely done. I know I have dated like a lot, a lot of people since we’ve been done. I know all the things. Yet, one little post and I am sent into all the feelings from before which, coincidentally enough, was about all the future things. Hence the depression and anxiety teaming up. My friends, my real true loves, are great and they tell me to be kind to myself and they assure me that all the things I am feeling are normal. But dang, if  they could hear this girl talk. The anxious brain comes in and is like, “remember that whole mom thing you dreamed of? GUESS AGAIN!! muahahah” I told you she is straight up mean. She just comes up in here saying how I am going to be alone forever and I can’t find the right person because that is my destiny. Sometimes, the future looks bleak with this anxious brain. I will say, my anxious brain does kick my adrenaline into overdrive and my apartment is nearly spotless and all my errands were completed before noon today, so I do really appreciate that about her.

But then, in an overarching hero-like-fashion enters my rational brain. *BA BAD DA BUM* “I’m here to save you from these past and future thoughts to bring you directly to our present moment.” My rational brain is so dreamy. I love her the most. She comes in and is like “honey, let’s take a deep breath and really think about this… who broke up with these boys?” “uh… I did.” “and why did you break up with them?” “Uh… because I know what I am looking for in a partner and I haven’t found that yet and it’s important for me listen to my instincts and trust myself.” “Exactly, baby girl. You know exactly why you aren’t with these boys, so you just keep breathing and trust that you know what is right for you.” Ah, rational brain, my true love.

My rational brain was MIA for a v. long time. I think the depressive and anxious brain were holding her hostage somewhere. It wasn’t until she saw a slight break in the lock that she crawled out victoriously. The aforementioned break in the lock came from growing up, from loving friends/family, from therapy, and from Lizzo. When the rational brain wasn’t there, that’s when things like suicidal ideation would creep in. The more I let the rational brain take control of things the further and further I get away from having any of those thoughts. I can actually proudly say that I haven’t had a thought like that since June, which is the longest I’ve gone without such a thought and if that is not something to celebrate, I don’t know what is.

To summarize, this past week I was filled with anxiety about what my future love life holds, but it did not drown me. We went a little wild with our thoughts and then we brought it right back to the here and now. That is what I call growth, my friends.

Are you feeling anxious this week? Especially because 2020 is a ball of anxious energy and nobody knows what’s around the corner? Cool, cool, cool. Just feel it, remind yourself it isn’t real, and then come back to the here and now and take stock of all the things you can do for yourself in the present moment. As always though, if you’re not ready to be in the here and now, it’s all gravy baby.

A[wo]men

you are breathing,

reading,

existing.

you are love.

-in the here and now

So, that’s why they call it chemistry?

Hello friends, glad to have you back & happy to have you here/hear.

In my previous post I referenced some pretty heavy moments- suicidal ideations, depression, and lack of functioning. If you thought it was a lot reading it, imagine living it (I’m sure some of you can).  I am happy to report that within this last week it has been a lot more tame and stable. I’ve felt alert and present and able to complete daily tasks. Life seems more manageable. Thank yeezy for that, because I was not ready to handle another week of that.

This past week, while much easier to handle, was still full of moments I thought about sharing with you all. I had a lot of processing time, friend time, down time, bachelor nation time, and dating apps time. You may find yourself more interested in some of those things over other things on that list. I could go on for hours about the most recent bachelor season, but I won’t bore those of you not interested in it. To sum up my opinions though- they all suck, including Peter. Let’s wrap it up…

Speaking of one loser dating a bunch of people- this week I want to to discuss my dive back into dating. It’s what I get the most requests for, so I shall oblige the masses. I also like that I am being really ballsy and jumping back into dating during mercury retrograde. What an adventure. I had made it a personal goal to not date until after February, but you know, V Day came and I was like let’s just see, which then turned into scheduling dates. It all happened so fast. **Not really, I knew exactly what I was doing, so whatever. My main goal with taking a break was to clear my head and stop feeling so bogged down. I was ghosted twice in December and it took a toll. It is not cool to be ghosted during your birthday month. There should be a rule against it. But while I was treating myself on Valentines day, I thought you know what, I’m ready to get back out there and jump back on the ol’ dating horse. The wind blew, as I wrapped myself in my sheer sweater on the beach porch, just a single, 40 year old, divorcee, ready to date again. Sorry, went into my own little romcom there. Let’s get back to reality.

Because in reality, this is not a romcom at all. It would be like if a romcom removed all the rom, and only included com – that is how I would describe dating on the apps. The good news is though, that I am a big fan of comedy. Messages about my figure tend to take the lead. “MMM love those curves,” appear in bold letters, like it’s supposed to make me what? Drop my pants for them? I screenshot for my friends and occasionally insta and then don’t engage. Second funniest dudes are the ones who like to say hello and then nothing else for 4 months. Not exactly a ghoster because I didn’t invest any time in them, but like what are you doing? Why did you say hello? So mysterious, so funny. Then there are the people that literally didn’t read anything on my profile and ask me everything about what is already there. “So, where do you work?” Bro, it’s literally the first piece of info on there. Less funny, more annoying. This now leaves like 2 people who I actually have a conversation with. Eventually we meet and then we mutually decide if we want to keep meeting or play the disappearing act. Ooh, maybe it’s comedy and some mystery, a commyst™ if you will.

Like I said, I oddly love it. Not just the comedy of it all, but the whole meeting new humans and figuring this all out. Don’t quote me on this if in a year I’m still on the apps and it isn’t working and I am ded. Truly, my favorite part of the apps are the first few month or so. I’m just so full of hope and my grade A detective skills back online. Full systems go. No, I don’t mean detective work like stalking their social media, I mean in the sense of who they are and who they are in reference to me.

Each date, each person I meet or talk with, I learn more about myself. What I want and don’t want. I also just love meeting new people. I am the type on the apps (because everyone is a different type) to be like ‘lets meet up ASAP’. Yes, I am that girl. I want real conversation and I want it right away. You would be amazed by how many people are great at texting and not so great at talking and vice versa. Plus, I’ve seen catfish. Don’t even try to play me like that. Little tip for those in the same app boat, I highly recommend the coffee date. It’s the easiest, most low-key way to get to know people. One hour, over yummy drinks, without alcohol impairing judgement. Plus, to me it feels like a lot less pressure. It’s not this big formal date I have to dress up for. I’m getting coffee with a potential friend. Because what is a partner if not a friend that you also do romantic stuff with? (romantic = sex)

Even as I am writing this I am realizing the change in mindset I have had since taking my break. I’m trying to look at dating as more experimental than definitive. I am molecule A and I am adding different molecules to my equation until I find one that seems to make sense. Ya know, I really loved chemistry as a kid, so this is all making a lot of sense to me. Woah, is that why they call it having chemistry. What a lightbulb moment. I love when things just seem to come together.

I guess all of this is to say that we humans put a lot of pressure on ourselves all the time. Do this, don’t do this, feel this way, don’t feel this way and I just want to call some bullsh*t on it. Do I want to find someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t f****ing know. I don’t even know what I am doing this weekend, I’m not really interested in thinking about a lifetime. I don’t even know how long my lifetime is. Do I want to find a friend to do romantic stuff with who only wants to do that romantic stuff with me (still talking about sex)- yeah, I do. Am I over feeling bad that I don’t have that yet- absolutely. Which is precisely why I chose the featured image that I did: That feeling can kiss my a**.

To the ones that already have it, I hope it is a friend that you feel safe and healthy with. To the ones that don’t have it, I hope that you feel safe and healthy with yourself and try not to let society tell you that you’re doing it wrong, or that you need to be with someone, or that you need to feel a certain way. You’re doing great and you are exactly where you supposed to be right now. Be easy on yourself… and maybe review your chemistry notes from high school, could find something useful in there.

Oh, and if anyone, yourself included, is mean to you, tell them to kiss your a**. And that’s advice for everyone.

A[wo]men

 

Black History Month’s featured Black Artist:

“‘I woke up in this
In my skin
I can’t wash it away, so you can’t take it from me
My brown skin”

Melissa Jefferson (Lizzo), My Skin

My Skin was released by Lizzo in 2015 on her album Big Grrrl Small World. Lizzo is a fierce advocate for people and her song My Skin was born out of the desire to stand up against racial profiling. She has also made a lot of strides in fat activism often referring to body positivity in her music. Her references to self-love were a major influence in my life as soon as I listened to her. She has this way of making me feel beautiful in any light. No matter what I am doing, when Lizzo comes on my playlist it feels like she is a friend, telling me not to talk down to myself- ever. And lest us not forget that Lizzo, the queen, is single.

P.S. Excited to bring you our upcoming brave and honest story teller next week. She’s been through a lot and has a learned a lot along the way. I hope you come back to read her beautiful story.

P.P.S Yes, that is my butt.

Winter Appreciation Post

Happy Hump day my fellow readers. I hope you are all bundled up in warmth on these frightfully chilly days, or enjoying your heat if you are from a place that is warm during these months.

Let’s see.. over the last week I have done a lot of self-care. The burnout I was experiencing was a bit overwhelming, but I knew I had to keep fighting and pulling myself out before I went far too low. It’s interesting, as I become more aware of my emotions and my coping skills, the less I get buried under them. Fascinating how that works, huh? Over this past week I started running again, colored in a coloring book, went to bed early, set boundaries, and cooked at home. It is amazing how all these simple tasks, when combined, become a haven of healing for myself. All that is to say I am feeling back to a stable human being and super excited about it.

I spent my whole C train ride to this Starbucks wondering what I shall write about today. A few things crossed my mind as I simultaneously wondered who else’s bum sat on this subway seat *crosses fingers ‘I hope that Lin Manuel has sat where I sat’.  Then I started to think about the season. The season of cold, of holidays, of peppermint mocha lattes *decaf, of so many layers you melt when you get inside, of seasonal affective disorder, oh how the list could go on. This season gets a bad reputation, predominantly because it is cold and dark AF. I get it. I’m tired by 5:30 and most days I can’t feel my nose. The thing is, I love this season. I’m a Sagittarius, if you couldn’t tell, so winter IS my season. Often when I say this, I am met with faces of disgust and sometimes real harsh words. We all have our opinions, I suppose. Even though I am right and you are wrong (BIG Sagittarius energy).

Usually what I hear when people talk about cold weather is that of pessimism and dreams of being rich and famous and in the Caribbean. As someone who used to be a full-time pessimist (now identifying as part-time) it totally makes sense. To dream up an alternative life somewhere else that doesn’t involve the cold, but then I think wait… weren’t you the same bloke that was crying about the heat and wanting to be in A/C all day? Yeah, I see you Karen. Nothin’ makes ya happy.

All of this is to say that for today’s post I wanted to make something light-hearted and fun and perhaps heart-warming for all you cold folx, whether that is your soul or physical temp. So, here is my list of reasons why I/we should all love winter:

1. People are so much more generous during the ‘holiday season’. One time someone bought my coffee and they were just like ‘Tis the season!” That sweet, sweet coffee angel. I’ll never forget you.
2. Dogs. In. Jackets.
3. Snuggly sweaters- both the object and the candle you can buy from Target.
4. Throwing snowballs at people and things you don’t like. I once threw a snowball at Trump Tower and that was cool. Some ideas for all you in case you need them: Throw them at people that are bad at parking. Throw them at your evil ex or throw them at pictures of your evil ex in case you don’t want to actually see them. Throw them at Donald Trump. Throw them at yourself when you’re near someone rich and then blame them and maybe they will give you money because they feel bad and because “Tis the season!”.
5. Running in the snow. It’s like regular running except slower and I often pause to stick my tongue out and I get significantly less sweaty. I also sometimes pause to stick my arms and tongue out while spinning in a circle because I believe I am the lead in a rom-com.
6. Hats/gloves/scarves are cheap to buy and also v. cute.
7. Did I mention all of the layers you get to pile over any insecurities you might have? I could have anywhere between A-DDD breasts under all of this, you may never know. (DD, if you were curious though.)
8. Getting to use the excuse “I’m eating more to stay warm for the winter months.”
9. Sparkly lights all the time, everywhere.
10. People are more understanding of you going to bed early because the sun is no longer out and that seems more acceptable of a reason to people than ‘it’s good for my mental health’.
11. It is perfectly acceptable to cancel plans because it is too cold.
12. Since my birthday is in the winter I get to find out who my true friends are because they risk their lives in the cold to meet me at some dive bar. Thats real friendship, y’all.
13. Makeup stays on really well because it freezes to your face.
14. Dogs. In. Jackets.
15. Boots elevate any outfit
16. People want to cuddle up next to you a lot more. Fact, my first close contact with a boy was in high school. I’ll set the scene: It’s the annual Grafton High School outdoor, haunted corn maze. In Wisconsin winter starts in October. As a cool kid, I was on the student council and volunteered to be a ‘scarer’. Fake spider webs are everywhere as we wait to scare the next poor child that walks past. “It’s so cold” says the group I’m with “perhaps we should all congregate together for warmth.” My crush, a year older than me, just happens to be in this group. He put his arm around me and I think I blacked out from there. Thank you, cold weather. We never spoke again, but I’ll always have the memories.
17. Seasonal Affective Disorder. This may seem strange to be thankful for, but recently my roommate told me that her old therapist said that blaming your emotions on the weather can be the number one way to invalidate how you are feeling. And ya know, sometimes I would rather not realize that I’m actually sad for a valid reason. Sometimes I want to blame the weather or mercury in retrograde, k? *This is not to discredit SAD. I fully believe this is real and if you do experience this and are looking for some tips/tricks/referrals feel free to shoot me a message on my contact page.
18. The subway is significantly less stinky. Less sweaty people=less stinky. It’s called science.
19. People like to read more in the winter because they are at home and curled up by the fire or candle that they imagine is a fire and also feel they are in their own rom-com. People always read by the fire in rom-coms. In turn, my blog is read more in the winter. I do not have data to back this up.
20. Clumsy people have more of a reason to fall. They can blame the snow and ice instead of blaming their inability to walk properly.
21. Blankets.
22. I do my hair much more in winter. It typically last longer and looks better because again science. Less sweat=better hair.
23. I am lucky enough to live in a warm home with electricity. I get to feel blessed everyday when I walk in from the cold into the warm. Even if my heater sounds like snakes and demons are in my walls.
24. Winter rom-coms are better than other rom-coms.
25. Dogs. In. Jackets.
26. Ice skating is romantic as hell. Even on your own. #self-partnered
27. People love to commiserate together. Winter haters love to congregate and shake their fists in the air discussing how cold it is and dreaming of a cruise somewhere warm. They are the cutest grumps out there too because they in all their layers. All you can see is the hatred in their eyes. People that hate together, stay together.

As you can now see, winter is not that bad.

A[wo]men

most people think you

suck the life out of a room

I think you are cool.

-winter