So, that’s why they call it chemistry?

Hello friends, glad to have you back & happy to have you here/hear.

In my previous post I referenced some pretty heavy moments- suicidal ideations, depression, and lack of functioning. If you thought it was a lot reading it, imagine living it (I’m sure some of you can).  I am happy to report that within this last week it has been a lot more tame and stable. I’ve felt alert and present and able to complete daily tasks. Life seems more manageable. Thank yeezy for that, because I was not ready to handle another week of that.

This past week, while much easier to handle, was still full of moments I thought about sharing with you all. I had a lot of processing time, friend time, down time, bachelor nation time, and dating apps time. You may find yourself more interested in some of those things over other things on that list. I could go on for hours about the most recent bachelor season, but I won’t bore those of you not interested in it. To sum up my opinions though- they all suck, including Peter. Let’s wrap it up…

Speaking of one loser dating a bunch of people- this week I want to to discuss my dive back into dating. It’s what I get the most requests for, so I shall oblige the masses. I also like that I am being really ballsy and jumping back into dating during mercury retrograde. What an adventure. I had made it a personal goal to not date until after February, but you know, V Day came and I was like let’s just see, which then turned into scheduling dates. It all happened so fast. **Not really, I knew exactly what I was doing, so whatever. My main goal with taking a break was to clear my head and stop feeling so bogged down. I was ghosted twice in December and it took a toll. It is not cool to be ghosted during your birthday month. There should be a rule against it. But while I was treating myself on Valentines day, I thought you know what, I’m ready to get back out there and jump back on the ol’ dating horse. The wind blew, as I wrapped myself in my sheer sweater on the beach porch, just a single, 40 year old, divorcee, ready to date again. Sorry, went into my own little romcom there. Let’s get back to reality.

Because in reality, this is not a romcom at all. It would be like if a romcom removed all the rom, and only included com – that is how I would describe dating on the apps. The good news is though, that I am a big fan of comedy. Messages about my figure tend to take the lead. “MMM love those curves,” appear in bold letters, like it’s supposed to make me what? Drop my pants for them? I screenshot for my friends and occasionally insta and then don’t engage. Second funniest dudes are the ones who like to say hello and then nothing else for 4 months. Not exactly a ghoster because I didn’t invest any time in them, but like what are you doing? Why did you say hello? So mysterious, so funny. Then there are the people that literally didn’t read anything on my profile and ask me everything about what is already there. “So, where do you work?” Bro, it’s literally the first piece of info on there. Less funny, more annoying. This now leaves like 2 people who I actually have a conversation with. Eventually we meet and then we mutually decide if we want to keep meeting or play the disappearing act. Ooh, maybe it’s comedy and some mystery, a commyst™ if you will.

Like I said, I oddly love it. Not just the comedy of it all, but the whole meeting new humans and figuring this all out. Don’t quote me on this if in a year I’m still on the apps and it isn’t working and I am ded. Truly, my favorite part of the apps are the first few month or so. I’m just so full of hope and my grade A detective skills back online. Full systems go. No, I don’t mean detective work like stalking their social media, I mean in the sense of who they are and who they are in reference to me.

Each date, each person I meet or talk with, I learn more about myself. What I want and don’t want. I also just love meeting new people. I am the type on the apps (because everyone is a different type) to be like ‘lets meet up ASAP’. Yes, I am that girl. I want real conversation and I want it right away. You would be amazed by how many people are great at texting and not so great at talking and vice versa. Plus, I’ve seen catfish. Don’t even try to play me like that. Little tip for those in the same app boat, I highly recommend the coffee date. It’s the easiest, most low-key way to get to know people. One hour, over yummy drinks, without alcohol impairing judgement. Plus, to me it feels like a lot less pressure. It’s not this big formal date I have to dress up for. I’m getting coffee with a potential friend. Because what is a partner if not a friend that you also do romantic stuff with? (romantic = sex)

Even as I am writing this I am realizing the change in mindset I have had since taking my break. I’m trying to look at dating as more experimental than definitive. I am molecule A and I am adding different molecules to my equation until I find one that seems to make sense. Ya know, I really loved chemistry as a kid, so this is all making a lot of sense to me. Woah, is that why they call it having chemistry. What a lightbulb moment. I love when things just seem to come together.

I guess all of this is to say that we humans put a lot of pressure on ourselves all the time. Do this, don’t do this, feel this way, don’t feel this way and I just want to call some bullsh*t on it. Do I want to find someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t f****ing know. I don’t even know what I am doing this weekend, I’m not really interested in thinking about a lifetime. I don’t even know how long my lifetime is. Do I want to find a friend to do romantic stuff with who only wants to do that romantic stuff with me (still talking about sex)- yeah, I do. Am I over feeling bad that I don’t have that yet- absolutely. Which is precisely why I chose the featured image that I did: That feeling can kiss my a**.

To the ones that already have it, I hope it is a friend that you feel safe and healthy with. To the ones that don’t have it, I hope that you feel safe and healthy with yourself and try not to let society tell you that you’re doing it wrong, or that you need to be with someone, or that you need to feel a certain way. You’re doing great and you are exactly where you supposed to be right now. Be easy on yourself… and maybe review your chemistry notes from high school, could find something useful in there.

Oh, and if anyone, yourself included, is mean to you, tell them to kiss your a**. And that’s advice for everyone.

A[wo]men

 

Black History Month’s featured Black Artist:

“‘I woke up in this
In my skin
I can’t wash it away, so you can’t take it from me
My brown skin”

Melissa Jefferson (Lizzo), My Skin

My Skin was released by Lizzo in 2015 on her album Big Grrrl Small World. Lizzo is a fierce advocate for people and her song My Skin was born out of the desire to stand up against racial profiling. She has also made a lot of strides in fat activism often referring to body positivity in her music. Her references to self-love were a major influence in my life as soon as I listened to her. She has this way of making me feel beautiful in any light. No matter what I am doing, when Lizzo comes on my playlist it feels like she is a friend, telling me not to talk down to myself- ever. And lest us not forget that Lizzo, the queen, is single.

P.S. Excited to bring you our upcoming brave and honest story teller next week. She’s been through a lot and has a learned a lot along the way. I hope you come back to read her beautiful story.

P.P.S Yes, that is my butt.

Alexander David Wolf

Hi my loves. Today I am one year older and one year more versed in all of life’s experiences, including the tough stuff. Last week you may have noticed that there was no new post, no update on my life, and no explanation as to why. Today, I would like to explain.

C/W death, grief, loss

On November 20th, 2019 Alexander David Wolf died unexpectedly at the age of 30. Alex Wolf is my best friends brother. When you have a best friend like I do, they are a part of our soul- their family becomes your family. When my best friend hurts, so do I. This last week I sat with her family in the pain that is the loss of Alex Wolf.

My hope today is to not only speak of loss but also of life. The first time I met Alex I was in La Crosse, WI. I immediately was crushing… hard. He was easy to talk to, a vegetarian, cared for the earth, and overall was one of the sweetest people I had met. Bonus, he was my best friends brother. “Rebekah, we could be sisters for real!” I remember saying on multiple occassions. Every time something bad would happen with a boy I would remark “it doesn’t really matter, I am going to marry Alex someday anyways.” He never knew I had a crush on him, but it’s a dream I never want to forget.

Alex lived in Minneapolis, so I didn’t get to see him too often. Although, Rebekah and I spent some weekends visiting him. Each visit with Alex I could see his love for his family and friends. Alex knew how to make people feel welcome in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I would sometimes wonder if I built him up in my head because of my crush, until this past week when I got to hear more and more stories from family and friends. Alex touched people in a deep way, a way that made them feel safe. Every story that was told brought tears, yet at the same time, brought smiles. It seemed almost impossible for people to speak of him without feeling that connection and his love.

Last week was absolutely one of the toughest weeks I have endured. Not only was I grieving for someone I held dear, but I also was trying to help my best friend who was hurting in a way I have not felt before. How do you help someone who feels as though a piece of them is forever gone? How do you hold your best friend and hear her say ‘I don’t know if I can get through this.’ What words suffice?

The answers are not simple, but I think when it comes to loss and grief we all just try to do our best. Sometimes it is saying nothing at all, just letting people feel exactly what they are feeling with no interruption of that thought. Sometimes it is holding a hand and/or wiping up snot. Sometimes it is posting quotes of grief and loss to instagram that seem helpful. Sometimes it is reflecting on the life of the person now gone. Sometimes it is reminding people to breathe and reminding them that sometimes that is all they need to do. Sometimes it is drinking wine at 3pm. Sometimes it is zoning out in front of the TV, turning off the brain for just a moment. This list could go on and on. The one thing though, that works without fail, guaranteed, is simply being there. I don’t necessarily mean physically either. Just being available to talk. Reminding people that you love them. Reaching out. These are the ways to help people work through pain. I often believe for most of life’s painful experiences, that we don’t need advice or even any words at all. There is power in hearing tears and not feeling the need to interrupt them. There is nothing that can bring Alex back and that is painful- nothing flowery about it. It sucks and it hurts and it is not fair. The loss of Alex is painful for the world. He was a gift to the human race. Alex lived simply and beautifully. He is gone too soon. So, for now I am here to hold a hand, provide a shoulder and/or ear, and a hug for those grieving Alex, or any other people in your life that you have lost. Grief is one of the toughest experiences for us to go through.

Though, as I enter a new year of my life, there is something I have learned from this loss that helps me to keep going: Live life like Alex. I’ve repeated it several times to myself since finding out. For me, there is no other option and no better way to honor his life and to work through the grief. Simply put, love each other and be there for one another, as Alex was.

To read Alex’s obituary follow this link.

A[wo]men

a smile, a tear, a fist, a laugh, a wish,

hurting and healing,

in their own way,

on their own time.

a loss is a loss is a loss.

-how people grieve