A Butterfly Spirit

Hi, friends. A lot has happened in the last two weeks, but I don’t want to talk about most of them. Most of them are minuscule and irrelevant at this point in time. This is not to diminish my experiences, but rather to express the fact that I’ve experienced a great loss this week. A loss changes your world, alters your perception, and minimizes all else around you. This past week my supervisor, my work advocate, my friend passed away- Vilma.

She was the light during one of the darkest times in my working life. I would work with her often and sit in her office. She had the worlds softest giggle that made things just seem like they would be okay. Vilma was an employee for 31 years, so her knowledge of the job was invaluable. I would often sit with her as she described what the role was like ‘back in the day’ and all the major changes along the way. During this time of uncertainty she would always say “Sarah, I’ve seen some really hard times here before. We’ll get through this.” She shared stories of her youth, how she would always leave her hair long and natural like I do and would only wear skirts and dresses, unlike I do.

We would often sit laughing at the fact that she had an iPhone 6 that refused to hold a charge. She would say to me “Sarah, come look at this. It’s at 15% and I haven’t used it all day!” I would ask her why she didn’t just get a new phone all the time and she always said, “eh, it still works though. Why would I get a new one?” And we would both giggle. She told me she loved her phone before this one and would still have it to this day if it didn’t shatter in her hands. We laughed at how the pieces of her old phone just broke. She thought it was a defect in the way it came apart. She made it clear to me thought that she didn’t need anything fancy, she just needed things to work. I admired this about her.

She also had a love for sweets. On my lunch break she would often give me her Starbucks gift card to pick her up a Frappuccino to help her get through the day. The last few times I worked with her I also would grab us both lunch to ease her need to walk far. Through this I learned that she loved Italian subs, with extra mayo, and Cole slaw on the side. She would also always want me to grab her a shake, but last minute would say- no I don’t need that, maybe next time. I wish I got her the milkshakes anyway. She would make hot cocoa in the break room, even on hot days when she needed a “quick fix”. Her face would light up when our coworkers would bring in donuts or bake sweet treats. I loved to see her smile.

She talked to me a lot about her family. It was clear she loved her family more than anything in the world. I got to hear stories of her father who worked in fancy hotels, and the stories he would tell her and the way he watched the landscape of New York City change over time. She spoke of her parents unending energy, even as they aged. She told me how much she hopes to have that much energy when she gets older. I wish I was right when I said “I bet you will, it runs in your family.” She should’ve have gotten that chance.

Her room was a spectacle and every patient that entered would say “I love all your decorations.” I wish I could’ve taken credit, but I’d always respond with “unfortunately, it’s not my room, but it’s my favorite room to work in.” Vilma was a big fan of tchotchke’s many of which she had collected over the years of working. I could spend hours sitting in her office discovering things I had no idea were there before. My favorite was a sign that read ‘kindness is always free” something Vilma always lived by. It sat across from where our patients sat, so I always wondered if it also served as a reminder for those sitting in that chair. Not that they would need it- Vilma was so kind it just radiated and permeated those around her.

Over the last few days I went from sadness that took over my entire body, to anger, to complete numbness. I knew writing this post would help me break out of feeling numb and enter a stage of feeling complete luck for having known such a beautiful person (while also feeling continued sadness). Writing and talking about my memories just reminds me that she was right when she said “I’ve seen some really hard times before. We’ll get through this.” The thought of getting through this without her is hard to imagine, but I know I can. She has given me strength over these last few months and will continue to be a guiding light for me. She may be gone, but her warmth, kindness, and maternal energy will always be with me.

I hope wherever you are, Vilma, there are endless shakes and sweets. I love you.


your voice,

a memory.

ingrained forever-




-a butterfly spirit

Discovering My Anger

Happy zombie Jesus day, if you celebrate! Oh, and happy April Fools Day, if you’re a monster and also celebrate that. I can guarantee you there will be no April Fools surprise from me. My blog is centered around honesty, so that would be mean to lie to y’all. Also, I can honestly say I hate having a joke played on me and ya know do unto others yada yada yada.

Speaking of honesty, I have to let you all know… I am not feeling it today. For some reason I am feeling angry. I went whale watching yesterday and it was so magical, but when I got home I just felt mad. I can’t place it. I don’t know why I feel mad. I saw whales for crying out loud. The sun is out today. I have a full french press of coffee. I inhaled the six Reese’s eggs my mom sent me for Easter. I have gotten plenty of sleep and water and  exercise and episodes of Friends. I just don’t know what it could be.

Some people when they are angry, they find it the easiest time to write. I, however, am not some people. I don’t do anger well and frankly, I don’t do it often. Actually, in middle school I joined an anger management group because I felt like I didn’t get angry enough. I was worried there was something wrong with me. I felt sad, like all the time, but never angry. When I feel that other people are getting angry, I usually start to feel ill. My body physically rejects anger.

That’s why when I feel angry I don’t know what to do with it. The only thing that typically helps my anger is a run and I did that yesterday and I still felt like punching my pillow. I know that all emotions are necessary. I know that this anger is coming from some place. I know all of this and yet, I still try to hide from it. It’s like a never ending game of hide and seek. Eventually, it finds me and I run away again. See the strange part is that I embrace all other emotions. Me and sadness are BFF’s. A good cry is one of my favorite past times. Joy is excellent, obvi. I can’t wait to have laugh lines. Fear is one of my main motivators. What else would be pushing me to live all over the country. And disgust is just like part of who I am. “Oh my god, ew”. Ya know? But anger is so foreign to me.

Most days, I enjoy that. There is enough anger from everyone around me. All I have to do is go to my twitter feed to get my daily dose of hatred and I can usually call it a day. Not today though. It’s hanging around forcing me to look at it. I guess this post is the long winded way of me saying that today I am angry and instead of running from it, I am trying to embrace it. I am writing about it and talking about and trying to figure it out. Just how do I plan to do that, you ask. Excellent question. Well, step 1. is done. Write this post. This post, has taken a lot of energy, so I will probably need a reboot after this. Step 2. will include making a list of all the things that make me particularly angry. Step 3. Going through my conversations from the previous week and see if those triggered any of the things from my list. Step 4. Accept the fact that I feel angry by creating an angry playlist on iTunes and, of course, blaring said playlist. Step 5. Don’t let your anger keep you from enjoying the day by inviting friends over for dinner. Step 6. If you wake up angry, give that energy a big hug and appreciate the fact that you get to experience all these different emotions. Finally, if it comes to it I have created an additional step 7. for the most dire of cases. Throw darts at a picture of Nicholas Cage.

I hope you all have a glorious day and if you find yourself feeling angry feel free to adopt my list of steps for working through anger.

**These steps in no way guarantee the desired results. If anger lasts more than 7 days, please consult your physician. Side effects include: Hand cramping, sore throat, and self-discovery**